


Kaleidoscopes

by mindlessadri (cunttwatula)



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: First Love, KuroFai Olympics, M/M, Slow Build, told in moments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-08-08 02:23:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7739812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cunttwatula/pseuds/mindlessadri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a small Midwestern town first love blooms amid broken childhoods and rusted train tracks. Promises are made but will they be kept?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Absorption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!!! It's a blast from the past being here and being fortunate enough to be competing in the 2016 KuroFai Olympics.
> 
> Trust me, posting this was not without it's struggles and I'm so thankful to the mods for working with me on my posting date due to some rather extreme familial circumstances.
> 
> That being said this is my entry for the prompt: Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. I took a literal interpretation of the prompt and the story focuses on rash decisions and their outcomes.
> 
> Go team LIGHT!

The room feels sterile and the light overhead makes him feel like he’s under a microscope. Just like the hospital did the night Yuui died and the way the funeral parlor felt when Fai watched them close the casket over his brother’s powder white face. They’d both stayed out playing in the rain. They’d both gotten sick but only Yuui had gotten pneumonia. Sometimes it feels like he’s still waiting for sickness to come take him too. Even though he’s only a child he knows these are the things his parents are hoping he’ll say in therapy. 

Miss Hilde, his therapist, is nice enough. She lets him play games at the table she has set up in her office, talk as much or as little as he wants, and best of all it’s a hour a week where his mom isn’t breathing down his neck and his dad isn’t throwing more practice books in his face. Lately that’s all they do. Ever since he let Yuui die it’s like his parents can’t or, really, won’t let him out of their sight. It’s stifling but he accepts it with as much grace as possible. All he can do now is make them happy. He has so much to make up for, after all. A whole son.

“Fai.”

He looks up to Miss Hilde from the game of checkers he’s playing at the table. They haven’t talked this session except to say hello. “Hmm?”

“How would you feel about group therapy?”

His initial instinct is to be wary. He’s learned in the four months he’s been coming here that no question is as it seems. “What would we do?”

“Well, there would be other kids about your age who are also coping with loss.”

_ Coping with loss.  _ Fai turns away at the phrase. He decidedly hates those words, strung together as if this event is singular in it’s presence and his entire world hasn’t changed. He’s not coping with anything. He’s living with it. He turns the conversation on her. “Do my parents want me to?”

She smiles disarmingly. “We’ve discussed it. They don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.”

He turns back to his game. If that were true he wouldn’t be in therapy, but he also knows that if she’s talking about it, his parents have already agreed. “It might help to be around kids my age.” Fai smiles up at her. He’s gotten good at this smile in recent months. It always makes his face feel like it’s cracking.

The first group session is later that week. It’s not conducted by Miss Hilde but by a man who introduces himself as Andrew. He’s talking with Fai’s parents and has been since they arrived twenty minutes earlier. He’s tried to go find something more interesting to occupy himself with only to be told to stay put. So far his parents have mentioned how gifted he is nine times. They’ve also pseudo-whispered amongst themselves over the changes he’s undergone since Yuui died.  _ Withdrawn. Unfocused. Moody. Quiet.  _ He tries not to listen.

There are eight kids in the group. Fai Counts three boys, including himself, and five girls. He stands on the outside of the circle, some of the younger children are playing in the center to occupy themselves while they wait for the start of the session. The door opens and another boy walks in. He’s about as tall as Fai, who has always been told he was tall for a twelve year old.

Fai is silently grateful to have another boy about his age in the group even if the other boy embodies the  _ idea  _ of an unfriendly cactus. He watches the boy closely as he rounds the outside edge of the circle and chooses a chair opposite the door he just came through. 

Behind him, Andrew claps his hands together. “Sorry about the delay, guys. Let’s get started.”

Fai makes to take his seat but is coaxed back to his mother. “Are you going to be okay by yourself?” She pales. “I mean, are you going to be okay,  _ Fai _ ?”

He forces a smile. “Just call me Captain Okay.” He presses forth with his fake smile. By the time he turns around there is only one seat left. It’s right next to cactus boy. It’s as good a seat as any.

Without looking back, he walks over and takes his seat. When Fai looks back to where his parents were he sighs with relief and he feels himself deflate like a balloon that hit a pine tree.

He registers that Andrew is talking. It sounds like he’s trying to lead them into a discussion about what  _ loss  _ means. Fai snorts and shakes his head. “What bullcrap,” he whispers to himself.

Next to him cactus boy snorts and a feral smirk comes to his face. “Yeah.” They catch each other’s eyes. Cactus boy blushes and looks away. “If we needed an explanation we wouldn’t have to be here.” 

He doesn’t smile but he does feel something light up in his eyes when cactus boy speaks. “Exactly. It’s a waste of time.”

Before they can really begin Andrew asks Fai to introduce himself. He stands with his practiced smile. “Hello! I’m Fai. I’ve been in therapy for only a few months but I’m really excited to be here.” He sits back down and from the corner of his eye he can see his new freind glaring at him like he’s a fallen leaf that has to be brushed off his shoulder.

They don’t speak to each other the rest of the session but Fai does find himself looking out of the corner of his eye and seeing the boy looking back when Andrew says something particularly stupid about acceptance or not placing blame. Of course Andrew does make them talk to the group. The kid next to him flinches when Andrew puts him on the spot. “Kory, why don’t you tell us how you are doing this week?”

He watches the boy close his eyes in irritation then open them with renewed anger. “My mom’s still dead.” There’s a noticeable mood shift with the other members after that and Andrew leaves him, Kory, alone. 

It’s mild curiosity that makes Fai wait for him by the door after the session has concluded. He hasn’t seen his parents’ car yet so he’s in no rush. “Hey,” he says when cactus boy stops just short of him. “I’m Fai.”

“I know. You said so in group.”

Fai cracks his knuckles nervously. “Yeah. I guess I did.” He clucks his tongue, searching for a new topic of discussion. “Your name is Kory, right?”

The other boys scoffs. “Barely.”

“Oh,” Fai frowns. “What does that mean?”

“It’s just the name people give me when they can’t say mine.”

“So, what is your name?”

He stands a little straighter. “Kurogane.”

Fai’s tongue twitches in his mouth trying to reconcile how to string those sounds together. What comes out is a failed attempt at his name.

Kurogane snorts. “That was kind of close.”

“Don’t be mad, but I can see why you need a nickname.”

“They could have at least decided on something that actually  _ sounds  _ similar. And they spell it with a ‘k’ which just makes it look like a girl’s name.”

“I could call you Kuro.”

“Pft.” Kurogane scoffs. “I’d almost rather you call me Kory.”

“Almost?”

“Yeah.”

“Kuro. Kuro. Kuro. Kuro.” Fai singsongs until Kurogane is blushing red in the face. He holds his sides while he laughs at his new friend’s expense.

“That doesn’t mean to actually call me that!”

“Too bad. So sad! No take backs!”

Kuro exhales sharply. It looks like he’s about to say something when Fai sees his family’s Santa Fe pull up. “See you next week!” Fai calls back over his shoulder. He bounds away before Kurogane can reply. 

In the car he clips his seat belt just as his mom pulls away. “ _ Sweetheart, _ ” she stretches the word like it’s delicate. “I really wish you would have waited for me to come inside to grab you.”

He sighs and looks out the window. She rambles on but all he notices is Kurogane stepping out of the building and getting into a black sedan.

~~~

The week passes as it always does. It’s one activity after the other. It always seemed like less of a chore when he was doing it with another person and now that he’s alone, a sock without it’s other half, everything drags. He’s almost resentful and tired enough to tell his parents he wants to quit but the other part of him knows that this sense of normalcy is all that’s keeping his family together. Maybe there’s more to it than that, though. His parents seem to be keeping it together when, really, all Fai wants to do is scream. 

Kurogane is already at group the second time he comes. He bounds over, “Hi!”

“Hey,” Kurogane offers as he sinks lower in his chair.

For a moment they sit in an awkward pre-conversation silence. “So,” Kurogane says, looking into the distance. “I saw Andrew unloading posters and markers from his car.”

“No,” Fai gasps. “It’s bad enough we have to sit through this.” Kurogane hums in agreement. “How long have you been in therapy?”

Kurogane tips his head back. His eyes scan the ceiling  _ Yep,  _ he thinks to himself when he sees a basketball caught in the gymnasium rafters.  _ Still there.  _ “I don’t know. Six or seven months.”

“Does it help?”

Kurogane thinks on this for a moment. His automatic response would be  _ no.  _ But certain things help, some of the things his personal therapist tells him stick in his head and help to ease the pain. He turns his head to look at Fai, he’s a mess of soft blond curls and pinkish facial highlights. Normally he wouldn’t bother with him, or anyone for that matter, but he and Fai  are similar. At least, in a small way. “Not really. Sometimes they say something and you think, ‘Yeah. I know what that means.’ It doesn’t make the pain go away though.”

“Thought so.”

“Hmm.”

It’s not hard to see that Kurogane isn’t much of a conversationalist. Fai frowns at this realization. Fai looks around them as he pulls his legs up to sit criss cross in his chair. Over by the door Andrew is setting down the art supplies Kurogane was talking about. He wrinkles his nose at the possibility of having to draw his feelings, or worse - his brother. He shakes the thought away and starts a different conversation. If Kurogane won’t talk to him, Fai will just talk about himself. “I hate therapy.”

Fai looks to Kurogane for confirmation that he’s listening. Kurogane turns and stares. 

“The therapists think they’re being crafty but really they’re so obvious. I just tell them what they want to hear. It’s easier than being asked the same question a hundred different ways.” 

Kurogane nods in agreement. “They think we’re stupid.”

“Exactly! Like we’re hiding something from them when really they’re the ones with all the secrets.”

“How long have you been in therapy?”

Fai pauses; he hadn’t expected any questions from Kurogane. “Four months. Since right after winter break. What school do you go to?”

“Buchanan.”

“What grade are you in?”

“I’ll be in seventh when school starts again. What about you?”

“I go to Hamilton. I’ll be in seventh too.” Fai smirks. So he’d been right to think they were similar in age. “I’m twelve, but I’ll be thirteen in November.”

“Oh, I already had my birthday but I’m only twelve,” Kurogane responds. 

Slowly, Fai begins to grin. It must rub Kurogane the wrong way because he sucks in air through his nose as though upset. “I totally thought you’d be older than me since you’re so big!”

“Shut up!” Kurogane turns away, embarrassed.

Fai watches him carefully. He’s turned away but he doesn’t seem to really want Fai to leave him alone. “Don’t be so shy, Kuro!” He giggles when Kurogane’s face gets redder.

“Okay, group!” Andrew comes over with a clap of his hands. “Let’s get started.”

~~~

As the weeks pass, they become closer. Kurogane is always good for a nice quip when Andrew is being overbearingly optimistic. It helps keep Fai from flying off the handle. On this particular day Andrew has dismissed the group early after one of the newer girls had a breakdown in group. Fai had watched her crumble to dry sobs right next to him. Her pain was way too fresh for a group setting. 

He and Kurogane have snuck over to the back of the partitions that separate the local gym they use for these sessions. He can hear the other members of the group playing beyond it. Childhood resilience must run deep in all except him and maybe Kurogane. He blames his intelligence. 

They are laying on the floor staring up at the rafters. He’s minutely aware of the warmth that Kurogane’s body carries next to him. The huge scoop lights are blinding. He wonders if in death there is really a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe this is what the light looks like; a gaping annoyance obscuring his vision. Obscuring  _ Yuui’s  _ ability to come back to him. His chest aches with the thought. Fai extends his hand in front of himself to block the light.

“Do you think it’s true?”

“What?”

Fai looks over to Kurogane. He’s still staring up at the rafters; his black unruly hair falls back from his face. It somehow emphasizes his scowl. It’s not the first time that Fai has thought Kurogane’s scowl was a particularly advanced level of scowling. Like level one-hundred of scowling. “That there’s a light when people die.”

Kurogane turns to stare at him, vaguely annoyed.“Do you?”

Fai sits up on his forearms. “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.”

Kurogane groans and sits up, too. He’s been entertaining Fai for weeks and begrudgingly he would call him a friend. There are things about Fai that annoy him. They are both here because they’ve lost a loved one but he hasn’t heard Fai say one thing about whom he’s lost, like he doesn’t want to think about it. On the other hand, he brings stuff like this up. It’s like he’s obsessed with death. Just last week he’d asked Kurogane if he thought people who died while sick still looked sick in heaven. That hadn’t been the best week for them because Kurogane had stormed off, refusing to acknowledge the possibility that his mom might look like a skeleton in a skin suit and not the beautiful lady she had been before the cancer. 

“How  would I know? It’s not like I’m the one that died.” It comes out easily  but it pains him on the inside whenever he acknowledges she’s gone. Even more so when he realizes how much anger he says these things with. It irritates him how Fai’s face drops in concern like he just broke their secret rule of not bringing up why they are here even though they both wear it in their faces. 

Fai looks around, guarded. “Did you want to talk about it?”

“About my mom?”

Fai nods. “Yeah.”

Kurogane thinks on it for just a second. “Just lay back down, idiot.”

After a moment Fai does. “I think that if Yuui did see a light it was probably the one above his hospital bed.” He feels stiff, like a part of himself is threatening to break off.

The silence that stretches is dense. “I know which one you’re talking about. The long bar one above the bed.” Kurogane swallows just as Fai hums his confirmation. “Was that - was Yu -” Kurogane struggles for a moment. “Was he yours?”

“Yeah.” Fai chokes the word out.

The mood has shifted between them. Their relationship mostly consists of shared disdain for therapy, childhood apathy, and awkward puberty.

It’s Fai who speaks first, not that it’s surprising. “What are you always staring at?”

“Huh?”

“You’re always looking at the ceiling. Even when we aren’t on the floor.”

Kurogane sighs and slowly raises his arm, “There.”

Fai looks to where he’s pointing and sees a dull orange basketball stuck in the rafters.

“It’s been there since I started.” Kurogane folds his arm behind his head. His secret is out. He’s just a little obsessed with the basketball. Wondering how it got up there has gotten him through every group session since he started. He thinks it must have  just been tossed up there and abandoned to lead the rest of it’s miserable life alone. Fai’s presence shifts beside him and he knows that Fai is looking at him. 

“We should get it down.”

~~~

Kurogane is about to get out of his father’s car when he hears the doors lock. He looks over to his father who beams at him like he’s just caught a toad. 

“What?”

“You made a friend.” His father leans in close over the console.

Kurogane tries to unlock the door. “Geez! It’s not a big deal!” Even as he says it, he knows it’s not entirely true. Ever since his mom left him he hasn’t been very social. Not that he was the center of attention before. He’d had friends in the neighborhood he hung out with regularly and now he hardly ever leaves his house except to go walk by the set of tracks that run by his house. Something his mother would have killed him for and his father never thinks to ask about.

His dad isn’t not giving up so Kurogane resigns himself to sliding halfway down the seat to listen. “What’s his name?”

He hates feeling like people are trying to pull information out of him. Kurogane glances up and out the window. It’s a muggy midwestern day. The air is thick with humidity and the gray sky promises afternoon rain. “Fai.”

“That’s,” his father stops short. “Eccentric?” 

Kurogane rolls his eyes - as if they have room to talk being named Kurogane and Sachihiro. Authentic Japanese names in the midwestern United States. His father seems to catch onto his train of thought.

“Hey,” he taps Kurogane’s shoulder with the back of his hand. “He fits right in with us.”

“I guess.” There’s a lull in the conversation he knows his dad is hoping he’ll fill. “He’s cool. Can I go now?”

Sachihiro unlocks the doors. “Yeah. Get out of here. I’ll pick you up later.”

He can’t get out of the car fast enough. It’s embarrassing to think his father has taken such an interest in how little social activity there is in his life. Kurogane stands under the bricked entrance to the gym. Fai hasn’t arrived yet and he doesn’t want to go inside. Andrew keeps trying to corner him into a private talk. 

The now familiar Santa Fe pulls up outside the gym. He can see Fai sitting in the front seat, his attention turned to the woman driving. A moment later he’s clamouring out of the vehicle and over to where he sees Kurogane.

“Hi!” Fai greets him with and exuberant wave of his hands. “How was your week?”

Kurogane shrugs. “It was okay. What about you?”

Fai sits on the top step. “Busy. My parents added even more activities.” He starts counting them on his fingers. “Swim and dive. Cooking. An hour of volunteering at the library to read to little kids.” Fai sighs.

“That a lot. On top of what you already do.”

“Hmm.” Fai agrees. It’s Thursday meaning after this group session he’ll be on his way to his tennis lesson, weather permitting. This week alone he’d already had two different language session, a math session, his violin and piano lessons, not to mention his private therapy session. “My French tutor taught me a cuss word,” Fai smiles up at Kurogane, his cheek resting on his knees. 

Kurogane doesn’t believe him. Not for a second. “No way. You’re lying.”

Fai hops up. “It’s true!”

“Then tell me it.”

“Why it’s not like you’ll understand.”

“So? Do it anyway.”

Fai looks around like he might get caught. He licks his lips and leans in close next to Kurogane’s ear. “ _ Merde. _ ”

The hairs on the back of Kurogane’s neck stand up when Fai’s breath rushes against his earlobe. He grabs at his ear like he’s been offended and glares to hide the fact his face gets hot. “That doesn’t sound like a cuss word. What does it even mean?”

“It’s like the sugar honey ice tea word but French.”

Kurogane drops his hand. “Whatever. Let’s head in. I looked in earlier. Doesn’t look like Andrew brought in any gimmicks today.”

“Good. I’m still finding glitter after last week.”

They take their seats and push them a little closer together so they can whisper comments to each other through the lecture. Andrew gathers the group. “Okay guys. We’re going to do the usual. We’ll spend half the session having a group discussion and the other half doing something else. Today we’re going to be having some one-on-one chats. 

Both Kurogane and Fai look at each other. “ _ Merde, _ ” Fai mouths at Kurogane.

Before they can discuss it the session starts. It’s normal, the other kids in the group share how they are feeling that week and when it comes to Fai and Kurogane they both pass the conversation as quickly as possible with short responses. 

The group disbands and Andrew starts calling the kids over individually. “Do you think this is our fault?” Fai leans in and asks conspiratorially. 

“Probably.” Everything he and Fai have ever done in that gym comes back to him. Constantly refusing to participate in group and more than once they’ve made a mockery of the activities. Just last week when they had been asked to create pictures using alternative materials. He and Fai  had somehow gotten into a fight where they threw glitter all over their area of the gym.

“What do you think he’s going to ask us?” Fai leans in close, biting his lip like he’s actually concerned they might get reprimanded.

“Probably some more of that hippy-dippy junk.” Kurogane isn’t sure where he’s heard that phrase before but it’s not the first time that he’s felt it’s passive yet rude nature was the right way to describe his feelings towards therapy. 

Fai looks back at Andrew. “Do you think we’ll get in trouble?”

“You’re worried about getting in trouble?” Kurogane raises his eyebrow. “If you were going to be worried about that then you shouldn’t have done all that stuff to begin with.”

“Yeah I’m worried about getting in trouble! Aren’t you?”

The idea of being in trouble isn’t lost on him. He’s been grounded, lectured, and made to sit through uncomfortable dinners just like every other kid his age. However, he realizes that he’s not afraid of being in trouble. Not anymore. There’s nothing to take from him. “No.”

Fai flings his hands into his eyes and falls backwards onto the ground so he’s staring up at the ceiling. “UGH! You are so - so - so  _ frustrating! _ ”

Kurogane rolls his eyes. There Fai goes again, being dramatic. Still, Kurogane feels like he should soothe him. He picks at his nails. “If we were really in trouble he probably would have told our parents first.”

Fai’s hands fall to his sides. “I guess.”

“Kory!”

Fai sits up and they both look out across the gym to where Andrew is beckoning Kurogane over. “Good luck,” Fai tells him as he stands and walks over. He sits opposite Andrew and hits the toes of his sneakers together. 

“Kory, how are you?”

Kurogane shrugs, “Fine.”

Andrew nods. “That’s good. Do you mind if we talk about some things?”

He can already feel himself wanting to sigh out of exasperation. He doesn’t understand why they always ask him if they can talk. If people want to talk to him  they should just do it. “Sure. I guess.”

Andrew sends him a disarming smile. “Have you been enjoying group?”

“It’s okay.”

“I see you and Fai are spending a lot of time together.”

Kurogane rolls his eyes. “Why is everyone asking me about him today.” It’s a statement.

“Oh? Who else?”

“My dad. He’s excited I made a new friend or something.”

“Are you and Fai friends?”

This question takes Kurogane by surprise. Saying yes feels like lending something personal but saying no would be an incomplete lie. “We’re friends when we’re here.”

Andrew takes a moment to consider this. “Lately I feel as if you aren’t present during group. You seem distracted.”

“It’s boring.” Nobody could say Kurogane wasn’t an honest boy.

“Do you think you might find it less boring if you shared a little more and opened up?”

“No. It’s boring because it’s boring.”

Andrew sighs. “Do Fai and you have a lot in common?”

“No. Not really.”

“What do you two talk about?”

“I don’t know. Just regular stuff.”

“Do you guys talk about your lost loved ones?”

Kurogane fixes his stare on the floor. “A little.”

“Hmm.” Andrew leans in close. “I’m happy you’ve made a friend but let’s not lose sight of treatment. I would like it if you two weren’t so distracting during group.”

“Okay.” Kurogane isn’t sure how to let Andrew down easy and tell him that won’t ever happen when Fai is involved.

“And remember Kory, stay present.”

~~~

Fai looks across the table where his parents are talking about who is adjusting their schedule next week to take him to his tennis lesson. He swallows the forkful of pasta in his mouth. “Maybe I could not go.”

Both of his parents look over at him. His mother seems to be genuinely worried while his father regards him with a generic stoicism he’s grown accustomed to. “Don’t worry sweetheart,” his mother reaches over and shoves a loose piece of hair from his face. “One of us can do it. Besides I know you and Yuui loved tennis. It would be a shame to stop now.”

Sometimes he finds himself wondering if they can feel Yuui’s loss. It’s a wonder it hasn’t completely torn them apart when every day he looks over and sees Yuui’s empty bed in their room and has to close his eyes again. These are probably the things he should discuss in therapy but that would give them too much satisfaction.

“What if my friend takes me?”

Again his mother looks concerned. “What friend? I didn’t know you’d made any new friends.”

“Kuro. My friend from group. Tennis is after group, maybe he and his dad could take me.”

“Well, we wouldn’t want to impose.”

Fai thinks on this. It would be fun to go with Kurogane. He’d probably stay to watch and Fai could make faces at him when the instructor wasn’t looking. “Andrew says it’s good I’m making friends.” He knows this is a trump card. Andrew had said as much at the last group when he’d done one-on-one sessions with everybody. He’d asked Fai about his relationship with Kurogane and asked them to be more considerate of others in the group. It all seemed pretty cut and dry.

His parents exchange a look. “We can talk to your friend’s parents today when we pick you up.”

Fai is a ball of energy the rest of dinner as he goes over all the possibilities in his mind. When he finally gets to group he can hardly contain himself as he tells Kurogane the news. “Why should I take you to your tennis lesson?”

“Because Kuro-meanie! It’ll be fun!”

“What did you call me?”

Fai barrels through the question. “We could get snow cones at the snack stand after and we could go to the steam room in the gym.”

Kurogane rolls his eyes. When Fai gets like this there is no stopping him. He really is having a hard time seeing the appeal but it could be entertaining to hang out with Fai outside of group. “Fine,” he relents, turning his head away. “Might be fun.”

Fai chatters on and Kurogane can’t help but think he’s never seen him this genuinely pleased before. It warms something in him, the way the sun might soften a wax candle. 

After group, the two of them stand outside the gym and wait. It’s another muggy afternoon. Neither of them can see the sun behind all the gray. Fai’s parents pull up and park first. “That’s them,” Fai nods to the car. Kurogane almost calls him an idiot because he knows what Fai’s car looks like.

Fai’s parents look like Fai. Both of them are tall and wispy, with angular features and deep blue eyes. His mother reminds Kurogane of a deer, dead eyes and an unreadable face. Fai’s father on the other hand is a little easier to gauge. His face is more expressive even if it only seems to express deep thought right now.

They meet them under the entryway, “Hi! You must be Kuro. I’m Ulysses and this is Fabian.” 

Kurogane tries not to frown as much. “Hi. Nice to meet you.” It’s  about as polite as he can be.

Fabian, Fai’s father, looks around the parking lot. “Is your father usually late?”

Fai looks and sees Kurogane’s frown deepen at this. “He’s not late. Session let out early!” His father hums in thought and Fai relaxes feeling like he defused a possibly unhelpful situation. Just then he senses Kurogane tense.

“There’s my dad.” He points to a sedan pulling up alongside where Fai’s parents just parked. Nobody gets out. “He’s waiting for me. I’ll be right back.” Kurogane approaches the driver’s side window and waits. 

“What is it?” Sachihiro asks when he rolls the window down.

“Fai’s parents want to meet you. I told Fai we could take him to tennis next week after group.”

Sachihiro nods along. “Okay,” he turns the car off and opens the door. “I guess I’d better go meet them then.”

Kurogane and his dad walk over. Fai stands behind his parents, peeking out at Kurogane with a hopeful expression. He holds his thumbs up in question and Kurogane nods. “This is my dad,” Kurogane says when they reach Fai’s parents. Immediately he makes himself scarce and goes to stand by Fai who has fallen back towards the doorway. 

“Did your dad say yes?”

Kurogane nods. “Yeah. My dad is just happy I’m making friends.”

“Mine too. But I would have  _ never  _ guessed Kuro-friendly had trouble making friends.”

“Shut up, idiot. I should say that about you.” He can feel himself scowling at the ground. There’s a jab to his side and he looks up to see Fai smiling at him. Maybe it’s not so bad to be teased.

Fai looks over at the adults. Kurogane’s dad is laughing at something his own dad had said. He wonders how Kurogane is nothing like his father in terms of personality. Regardless, his parents seem to have relaxed as they nod along with everything being said.

“Kurogane!” his father calls him and Kurogane kicks off from the wall he’s leaning on. 

“I guess we’re going.”

Fai looks panicked. “Wait,” he grabs Kurogane’s wrist. “What did they say?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know any more than you.” Fai doesn’t let go and Kurogane feels like he’s supposed to offer something comforting. “But, uh, it looks like it went well. All of them are smiling right?”

Fai nods. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Fai looks to where he’s holding Kurogane’s wrist and lets it go. 

Kurogane rubs his neck. “I’ll see you next week.”

Fai watches him leave with his dad then goes to his parents. “So?”

“They will take you to tennis next week and stay with you until I can get you.”

Fai beams, “Thanks dad!”

~~~

Fai is practically jumping up and down on the stoop outside the gym waiting for Kurogane’s dad to pick them up. He has his tennis bag on his back with the handle of his racket sticking straight up over his head.

“Are you going to watch me?”

Kurogane shoves his hands in his pockets. “I guess. It’s not like I’ll have anything else to do.” His face feels strangely hot and he looks away. Lately this is happening a lot around Fai. It makes him just a little uncomfortable and doubles his efforts in calling him an idiot. “There he is.”

“Hey,” Fai says as they walk over to the car. “What’s your last name?”

Kurogane glances at him, “Suwa.”

They get into the back seat together while Sachihiro reads over the directions. Fai swings his legs back and forth on the seat and Kurogane finds himself watching. Today Fai has seemed mostly normal. Smiley in front of the adults and more complacent when they are alone. However, a few times today he’s caught Fai staring at the ground like he wanted to say something but just couldn’t. “Thank you for taking me, Mr. Suwa!” Fai’s voice makes him lose the train of thought.

Sachihiro looks at them in the rearview, “Anything for a friend! That’s the Suwa motto.”

Kurogane scoffs. “Last week you said  _ always searching for the light  _ was the motto.”

“Hmm,” Kurogane can sense his dad is smiling. “We have many mottos.”

Fai laughs at his dad’s joke. The car falls silent and Fai turns to him. “When do you start school again?”

“In two weeks.”

“Oh.” Kurogane glances over. Fai seems upset. “Me too.” There’s a telling pause, the one that’s been happening all day letting Kurogane know Fai wants to say something.

“What?”

Fai shakes his head, “Nothing. It’s not important.”

They spend the rest of the ride talking about regular things and when the pull up to the facility Fai’s smile turns up times a million as they disembark. “This is going to be fun! We’re early so I can show you some moves. I brought an extra racket and everything!”

Fai stops in the walkway and squats to rifle through the pockets on his bag. He stands as he shoulders his backpack. Between his teeth hangs a simple black elastic hair tie. Kurogane feels that now-familiar heat in his cheeks and tries to looks anywhere but at Fai. He’s not even sure why he feels so embarrassed watching him sweep his hair into a high ponytail. It seems like a perfectly normal thing to do. Maybe it’s puberty.

Together they walk in. Kurogane lets Fai lead the way to the front desk to ask where his session is being held, whatever that means. Fai takes them out a set of double doors at the end of a long hallway. They emerge into an outdoor area with a few different tennis courts. “I’m on court four.” Fai smiles at him. Behind him, his dad urges him forward after Fai, who has already taken off at a run.

“I’ll be in the parents lounge!” His father calls after him.

Kurogane catches up to Fai at the court just in time to see him unlatch the green gate to court four. “C’mon! Sancho showed me how to work the machine, I’ll show you my swing.”

There isn’t much he can say, Fai has already made a decision so he walks across the court to a metal bench and sits. Fai’s bounding around the court, turning on the serving machine and running to the other side. A green tennis ball comes flying out towards Fai and Kurogane tenses, ready to run off the bench and tackle Fai below the line of fire. Then there is a decisive  _ thwack!  _ and the green ball flies over the net, back towards the machine.

“Did you see me?” Fai jogs over, his smile taking up his entire face. 

“Yeah.”

“And?”

Kurogane swallows, his heart hammering in his chest. He is probably just really impressed Fai could hit something so small moving so fast. “You looked cool.”

“Do you want to try?”

Kurogane considers the question, yes he did. “I don’t feel like dying.” 

Fai waves him off and grabs the second tennis racket from his bag. “Here. You won’t get hurt.”

He feigns reluctance but follows Fai rather obediently onto the tennis court. Fai shows him how to stand and the general motion of swinging the tennis racket. “Okay! I think you’re ready.”

Kurogane waits. A ball whizzes past him so close he can feel the air ruffle his shirt.

“I’ll tell you when.”

He tenses and tightens his grip on the racket. 

“Now!”

Kurogane swings blindly, not really expecting to hit anything, but then there is a pressure pushing the racket and he follows through with his swing sending the ball into the net but at least he’s sent it somewhere. He takes a step forward “That was cool.”

“Yeah!” Fai cheers and then his face falls. “Kurogane, move back!”

But it’s too late, another ball zooms across the court hitting him in the ribs. He stumbles back but doesn’t fall. “Ow!” Kurogane squats and Fai runs over to the machine, turning it off.

“Are you okay?” Fai asks crouching beside him. 

Kurogane clutches his side. “Yeah, it just stings.”

Fai frowns. “Sorry. I should have told you.”

“Tch, idiot. I’m the one who stepped in front of the thing.”

“It might bruise.”

Kurogane stands and shrugs. “It’ll be okay.”

Just then a stout, muscled man steps into the court. “Fai, I see you already got busy.”

Fai glances at Kurogane. “I’m fine.”

Taking the hint Fai turns his attention to his coach. “Yeah. You weren’t here yet.”

Kurogane watches from the bench. His side stings but his chest burns.

~~~

Fai is finishing up practice and Kurogane is sucking the side of his thumb having made it bleed as he picked at his nails. “You know, you really shouldn’t do that.”

“Tch. It’s not like I mean to.”

Fai frowns at this. Now isn’t the time. No time has been the time today. He’s been trying to tell Kurogane all day that he won’t be going to group after next week. He won’t have time for it once school starts. The thought makes his heart sink. They haven’t been friends long but Fai feels that Kurogane might be the only friend he actually has. 

“Let’s go. My mom gave me money for ice cream”

Kurogane stands to follow him. His presence is warm next to Fai. He lets his hair down and shakes it out. “Did you have fun?”

Fai glances out of the corner of his eye to gage Kurogane’s reaction. “Yeah. It’s better than sitting at home.”

“Gee. Thanks.” Fai can’t help but tease.

“You know what I mean.”

They come to the snack bar and Fai orders two shortcake bars. He looks at them in his hand. He hadn’t even thought to ask if Kurogane wanted something different. Yuui and him had always gotten the shortcake bars. “Sorry,” Fai hands Kurogane the treat. “I should have asked if you wanted something else.”

“It’s fine.” Kurogane’s face is kind of pink. “I’ll eat it.”

They sit on a bench in a mostly abandoned hallway that showcases various racketball rooms. There’s a game going on in one of them and Fai watches with waning interest. “Hey, Kuro.”

“What?” Kurogane responds sounding as gruff as usual. Fai  can’t help but think Yuui wouldn’t have liked Kurogane. Yuui didn’t like confrontation or things that seemed like confrontation. Fai didn’t either, but sometimes Kurogane came off that way and that is what Yuui wouldn’t have liked. He has the nagging thought in the back of his mind that he and Kurogane are only friend because Yuui...

Fai breaks  that train of thought. “Do you think we’re only friends because of group?”

“What?” Kurogane looks genuinely peeved. 

“Like, if you met me in school would you want to be friends?”

“Who would want to be friends with you? You’re annoying.”

Fai slumps against the wall behind them. “Oh.” He hasn’t taken Kurogane seriously but he thinks it’s funny when Kurogane gets apologetic.

“Hey, I -” Kurogane starts. “You know, um. Words aren’t -.” His face starts to contort in anguish. “Don’t be an idiot!”

Fai can’t help himself. He breaks out in laughter. “I knew it!”

“Whatever. See if I  _ stay  _ friends with you!”

Fai laughs harder. Just then Sachihiro appears in the hallway. “There you two are. The last thing I need is to lose one of you.”

~~~

Fai exhales as he exits his car on the last day he will be attending group. He still hasn’t told Kurogane but he wishes he had. It seems so much harder now. His mom gets out of the car with him. “I’m going to go talk with Andrew.” Fai nods and follows after her.

Kurogane is sitting in their usual spot with his foot propped up on the chair he’ll give Fai. “Hey,” Fai says in greeting. 

“Hey,” Kurogane returns while taking his foot off the chair so Fai can sit. 

He can feel Kurogane staring at him even after he sits. “You sick or something?”

“What? No.”

Kurogane shrugs. “You look like you feel bad.”

“I feel fine,” Fai argues.  _ Tell him now. Tell him now.  _ He opens his mouth but then Andrew is talking. 

“We’re going to do group then break off into smaller groups for an activity.” 

Fai breathes a sigh of relief. He’ll tell Kurogane during the activity. 

Group begins and proceeds as it always does. Kurogane and Fai make their usual comments and exchange the regular “this is so boring I wish I could leave” glances. Then it’s over. Fai’s last group. He can honestly say that no healing had come from this. 

“Last thing before we break off!” Andrew claps and everyone looks to him. “It looks like today is somebody’s last day.”

Fai’s head snaps up and he looks across the circle to Andrew, pleading with everything he has for this announcement to not be made.

“Fai, will no longer be joining us after today. Make sure to wish him luck.”

He wants to crawl in a hole. The air next to him changes and he looks, without really wanting to, at Kurogane. 

Kurogane doesn’t look back. He’s furiously biting the skin around his index finger. The rest of the group is breaking up. “Kuro, I - I’ve been trying to tell you.”

“But you didn’t.” 

The words are clipped and harsh but he can hear the hurt behind them. 

“I was trying to find the right time. My parents just told me last week and - I don’t know. It was hard to say it or something.”

Kurogane stands. “I thought we were friends. Guess not.” He starts making his way behind the partition. It’s where they go when they don’t want to do the activity and Andrew never makes them participate

Fai follows. “Just listen to me! I’m sorry okay.”

“Whatever. We aren’t actually friends. We’re just friends because of this stupid group!”

“That’s not what you said last week!”

“That was before I knew you were a liar!”

“I didn’t lie to you!”

“But you didn’t tell me the truth. Tch.” Kurogane turns away.

Fai’s voice is small, “You’re my only friend. I can’t hang out with my old ones. They all knew him. They all knew Yuui. And, like, they all want to talk about him and all I want to do is never bring him up ever.”

Kurogane turns to face him.

“Sometimes they still call me by his name. We use to laugh about it when he was alive but now it’s like when my mom pours rubbing alcohol on a cut.”

Silence passes between them then Kurogane speaks. “Me too.”

“Huh?” 

“You’re my only friend.”

Fai wipes his eyes, he hadn’t even realized there were tears welling up. “Gross. We’re both gross.” He laughs. “It kind of makes me wish we could leave.”

Kurogane glances behind himself to the far exit.

Fai understands. “They won’t know if we just go out back and climb some trees or something, right?”

“Yeah.”

And that’s how Fai finds himself running across the gym to the back exit and down the grassy hill to the fence where the train tracks run behind the gym. He crashes into the fence right after Kurogane and it makes a satisfying metal sound.

“C’mon,” Fai hauls himself up the fence, Kurogane following him.

“Where are we going?”

“Isn’t that lake nearby? You know. The one with the rock that looks like a butt in the middle?”

Kurogane jumps down after him. “Yeah. I think.”

“Me too. I think the street is just over that way.” Fai points in the general direction he thinks they should go. “The train tracks pass right by it so if we follow them we should get there.”

They take off with no real plan or regard for the consequences that may lay ahead. 

“What are we going to do once we get there?” Kurogane asks a few minutes into their walk. Fai is walking on the tracks, balancing on one rail like a gymnast. Kurogane has found a stick and is running it against the fence.

Fai shrugs. “Are you wearing underwear?”

Kurogane sputters. “Yes! Why wouldn’t I be! You’re so gross!”

Fai can’t help but laugh. “Then we could swim. Or we could skip stones. I’m really good at that.”

He hears Kurogane snort. “There’s no way you are better than me.”

“Sounds like a bet.”

“Loser has to do whatever the winner wants?”

“You’re on!”

The tracks start to rumble and Fai steps off to join Kurogane while a train passes. It’s a short train and is gone in just a few minutes. 

“You ever hear of the train hoppers?”

“What? No,” Fai looks on with interest. “What are those?”

“They’re people who ride  the freight trains across the country.”

“No way!”

“Yes way! Me and my dad watched a thing on tv about them!”

Fai smiles to himself. “That’s so cool! They can just leave whenever so long as they have a train.”

Kurogane shrugs. “I thought I saw a person on the train.”

Fai runs towards the tracks, looking after the train. “Lucky!”

They walk a while longer and the sky is turning that midwestern pink that it only does on the most humid days when they reach the lake.

People are leaving as they walk down to the shore. 

Fai sits in the sand and pulls off his shoes. It occurs to him that it’s been awhile since they set out and group has probably ended but he can’t bring himself to care. He’d rather be here.

“Let’s find our stones and walk around to the dock.”

Kurogane agrees and they set out. 

When they reconvene at the dock the sun is making the water sparkle. 

“So what are we doing?”

Fai thinks a second. “Who can get the most skips with five rocks.”

“Are we adding the skips up?”

“Yeah. So total.”

“Do you want to go first?”

“Sure.” Fai steps up to the edge of the dock. He takes a stone from his pocket and tests the weight in his hand before sending it off. Four skips.

Kurogane steps up next to him. “Not bad.” He rears his hand back and chucks. Six skips.

They continue on, staying  neck and neck until Kurogane’s last turn. He needs four to beat Fai. He throws and Fai counts how many times the stone skips. One. Two. Three. It sinks.

“We tied,” Fai says with a snort. “I guess neither of us win.” He sits and lets his feet dangle off the dock towards the water. He’s folded his pant legs up and dips his foot in. 

“So, we could do another round.” 

Fai laughs because he knows Kurogane doesn’t like losing and and tying is a lot like losing. “Fine, you win.” 

“What!” Kurogane sound offended as he sits. “Don’t give up like that, idiot!”

Fai turns to him, “I’m not. You got that sixer. That was the most skips in a single throw.”

Kurogane doesn’t seem satisfied but he doesn’t press either. The sky is quickly fading from purple to gray to black. 

“How much trouble do you think we’re in?” Fai asks offhandedly.

“Probably a lot.”

“We should probably head back.”

“Yeah.”

They gather their shoes and make their way to the main road. They walk in silence for a bit. The ease Fai had felt since they’d pushed out the back door is waning. “It had to end, huh?”

“What do you mean?”

“We just left because we know this is the last time and we didn’t want it to end. But it has to. End, I mean.”

Kurogane stiffens next to him. “Yeah. If we were older or something it would be different.”

“We’d be different people. We might not like each other.”

“I think we’d still like each other but maybe in a different way. Like a kaleidoscope or something.”

“A kaleidoscope?” Fai snorts. But he gets it. Their friendship would be made of all the same parts but put together different.

“Shut up! I don’t know why I tell you anything.”

They keep walking. “Hey,” Kurogane says. He pulls Fai to a stop by the hand. “I know what I want.”

Fai looks at him with curiosity. Kurogane’s face is going redder than he’s ever seen it. Maybe he’s too hot.

“If we meet again let’s be friends even if we are different people.”

Fai’s heart is hammering in his chest and he feels like it might break open and pour all his tenderness onto the asphalt. “O-okay.” He stutters and he can feel the way his face heats up and see the way Kurogane refuses to make eye contact. 

The sun is gone now, leaving them on an unlit country road  with only the moon to guide them and the occasional passing car. “We should get going,” Fai says and he steps in the direction they’ve been walking but Kurogane refuses to move, Fai’s hand still trapped in his.

He can’t see Kurogane but he feels him come up in front of him and then there’s the warm weight of Kurogane’s mouth on the corner of his. It’s brief and Kurogane steps back too quickly for Fai to say anything. But what is there for him to say? He’s shocked, honestly. He’d heard about boys kissing other boys but he’d never thought about it and Kurogane just - 

_ Whoop! Whoop! _

Headlights swing over them as a cop car pulls up beside him. Fai hadn’t even noticed but Kurogane had started walking again and was now a few yards ahead of him. Anything he had been processing before stops and a new sinking feeling overtakes him. Kurogane comes up beside him. “We are so dead,” Fai says and Kurogane hums in agreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love writing Kurogane and Fai as children. This section actually took the least amount of time to write because I knew exactly what I wanted to do with it. Though, the kiss at the end was a last minute decision that ended up enhancing the narrative. At least in my opinion.


	2. Refraction

Kurogane stands at the doorway to their new house. It had always been his mother’s dream to own a house in the suburbs. He can recall her telling him as much when she was still alive, less so now than in the past but he remembers. Her requirements had been a yard with a wood deck, four bedrooms, and a large basement for all of her sewing equipment.

All in all they had done it. Him and his dad had found the house she always wanted, even if it had meant leaving the condo they had rented for the last ten years. Kurogane had no idea what they were going to do with such a large house. It was still only the two of them.

His father’s ability to remain positive is something Kurogane admires. Even after his mother’s death Sachihiro had never given up on the dream they had together. Sometimes at the sacrifice of his child.

Not that Kurogane would ever complain. Afterall it had been his father’s sacrifice that had made him the man he is today. Independent, honest, self-reliant. To a fault. It doesn’t escape him that many of the strong attributes of his personality come at the price of other attributes that people would deem  _ friendly.  _

But fuck other people. If Kurogane wanted base level companionship he would find it. And that’s just how he feels about life in general. If he wants something he works to achieve it. No help, no backing down, no excuses. After having it preached to him in therapy for months that there were event in life out of his control he’d decided to not accept this in his own life. Maybe it was true for other people but not for him.

“Kurogane,” Sachihiro comes up beside him, successfully startling him from his thoughts. “Are you going to go in or just stand there?”

He scowls and turns his face away, perhaps embarrassed for having been caught off guard. “I’m going in. I was just thinking.”

“Mmm. We’ll you can think after you help me carry your mother’s armoire to the basement.” Sachihiro pats his shoulder and continues into the house with a box labeled  _ kitchen. _

Kurogane continue after him, “You know just because I’m gigantic doesn’t mean this isn’t breaking some sort of child labor law.”

His father tips his head back and laughs. This only leaves Kurogane to follow him inside with his own box. “Did you get me registered for school?”

“Yes. You start Monday.”

~~~

Fai sees life as a series of moments. It’s the only way he’s able to get through his day in one piece. It’s not early morning tennis practice, or calculus, or AP everything, or any of the other things he does to keep his parents happy. They are just moments and moments pass.  _ This, too, shall pass,  _ is a personal mantra of his and he repeats it even now as he looks over the podium in his AP English class and locks eyes with Kurogane.

His mouth twitches remembering the small kiss they’d shared four years ago and he stops himself from raising his hand to the corner of his mouth.

“You’re looking for 124A, this is 124B,” Fai hears the teacher say. As a secondary thought he hopes this pause doesn’t count against his presentation time. He’d practiced so that his speech narrowly misses the time limit.

“Thank you,” Kurogane responds. His voice is so deep. So different from the time they were children. Yet, Kurogane doesn’t emote when he speaks, neither in his voice or his face, so  _ that  _ hasn’t changed.

Fai watches as Kurogane’s eyes sweep the room and land on him. They linger and Fai can’t help the way he suddenly feels caught in a lie he hasn’t even told yet. It’s an acknowledgement, the way Kurogane’s stare pins him. And then he’s gone, turning on his heel and walking out of the room. The moment has passed.

Rather, Fai wishes it has. “Damn,” one of the girls in class whispers a little too loudly and then every female in the room erupts into giggles. 

Maybe this is how it is supposed to be when Kurogane is around, like the moment hasn’t completely passed - ever. Fai has spent many hours recounting the summer he and Kurogane were friends and what it had meant to him. He’d been a boy in need of a friend. One that knew nothing, one that was just as steadfast on not talking about what the issue at hand was, one that helped him forget, if only for a moment.

He swallows, having been shaken from his usual confidence. The mask settles over him once again, fixing him to the moment. He is present, that’s the only thing he took away from group even if he hadn’t realized it then. Be present - it translates into doing what he’s told. Fai smiles out at the room, “And I thought I was the class favorite.”

The girls all turn back to him, giggling and ready to give him their attention. The guys are used to his antics and don’t react. 

This, too, shall pass.

~~~

It’s a few days later when Kurogane finds him. Fai is walking between classes quicker than usual but is stopped when a girl from the honor society asks which of the upcoming volunteer opportunities he’s taking. She’s so obvious. They all are. Boys, girls, gender didn’t matter when it came to ulterior motives. He’s known this particular girl has been crushing on him for a while but she’s only a freshman and Fai doesn’t have it in him to break her heart.

“Fai,” Kurogane’s voice shoots through him. It’s not like he’s been trying to  _ avoid  _ Kurogane per se but maybe he has been trying to delay the inevitable. 

His head swivels, “Kuro! Um,” Fai looks back to Melody. 

“I-I’ll go! See you at the meeting tomorrow. Hopefully we pick the same event.”

“Yeah,” Fai smiles at her. “See you tomorrow.”

She leaves and Fai relaxes for a moment. At least he’d been able to avoid that particular encounter. Maybe he’ll skip club tomorrow and have a friend sign the attendance sheet for him while he naps in the library. He secures himself to the moment and turns to face Kurogane. “Hi!”

Kurogane’s face turns sour. “I didn’t know you went here.”

His expression is hard to read. Fai smiles anyway. “Yeah. Since freshman year. I was surprised to see you in class the other day. It’s been a long time.”

“Yeah,” Kurogane replies. It feels like a dumb word. He’s never been good with people but Fai had never seemed to mind. Maybe he’s relying a little too much on that now. “I just moved nearby. The development behind the school.”

“Oh,” Fai smiles at him. It’s polite, like the smile he’d given the girl that was just here and the one he’d given him when he turned around to say hi. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“You’re so full of shit.” Internally he wants to slap himself. He doesn’t mean to be this way, he just is. Always has been. Honest to the point of being rude.

Fai’s face falls and that’s when Kurogane can say he truly recognizes him. His face is haunted in a way that’s beyond his years. It’s more than that though, he sees the layer beneath the surface that screams  _ life is unfair and I’m far too aware.  _

Kurogane narrows his eyes. “You looked like you’d seen a ghost when I walked into your class.” There are a few things he wants to say but they all sound too soft in his mind.  _ Don’t pretend in front of me. I can see through your bullshit. Don’t act as if I can’t.  _ Instead what comes out is much more gruff. “Don’t insult me.”

Fai sets his face, he doesn’t look angry or sad. His mouth is relaxed and nothing reaches his eyes. He snorts and that familiar, tired half-smirk comes over him. “You haven’t changed Kuro.”

“Neither have you, idiot.”

Between most people the conversation would have ended in upset, but between them the tension breaks. 

Fai rubs the back of his neck. “I have Spanish club after school. We can meet up after.”

Kurogane steps forward and the two of them fall into step as they walk down the hall. “Fine.”

~~~

Kurogane sits in the school’s court yard and waits for Fai to get out of his Spanish club. The sun hangs low in the sky and a fall breeze passes over him. It’s not fall just yet, but the air is starting to hint it’s around the corner. 

He picks at his nails, a habit he has long forgotten about. When he catches himself, he breathes a sigh of annoyance. He’s bloodied his thumb nail and now the skin around his cuticle throbs. He sucks away the sting between his lips.  _ Am I nervous? _ Kurogane forces the thought from his head.

His body stiffens when Fai steps into the courtyard. There are people with him. A girl hangs on his arm then shoves him away playfully over whatever it is the group is talking about. He waves them off towards the parking lot though it’s obvious they want him to go with them. Fai watches them leave then turns to set his sights on Kurogane. 

“You could’ve gone with them,” Kurogane says as Fai approaches. He watches as Fai pauses on the steps leading down to where he is. It seems dumb to say, it’s somehow confrontational and yet also implies weakness.

Fai’s mouth crooks up in a half smile like he’s caught a toddler doing something they shouldn’t. “They’re not as interesting as they think they are.”

“Why hang out with them at all, then?”

Fai shrugs, “We’re in the same club. Just because they aren’t interesting doesn’t mean they aren’t nice.” Kurogane considers this but Fai moves on. “Thanks for waiting.” Finally Fai comes over and sits down. He crosses one leg over the other and spreads his arms out across the table.

“What were they going to do?”

“Pft.” Fai snorts like he’s laughing at a private joke, “Go sit at  _ McDonalds. _ ”

Kurogane smirks with equal judgement. That sounds like the most boring, typical midwest teenage thing to do.

“Caroline, one of the girls -”

“The one trying to attach herself to you?

Fai laughs out loud and looks away. “You saw that?”

“It was hard to miss.”

Kurogane watches as Fai brings his arms to his front and fold his hands together in his lap. “The attention is nice.” A pause. “It’s weird that I feel like I’m being graded or something when I get it though. Anyway, she swears they have the best coffee so she’s there all the time.”

“How would somebody grade you on that, idiot?”

Another shrug and the lights at the school start to flicker on even though the sun still stubbornly hangs in the air. “I guess when you feel like everything you do matters to other people more than you, it’s hard not to feel that way about anything.”

Kurogane frowns. “Just so you know I don’t give two shits about what you do.”

Fai breaks out in full laughter as if Kurogane’s response isn’t prickly in nature. “Of course you don’t.” 

They settle into silence and Kurogane’s mind goes back to the coffee. “It’s bean water.”

“I know!”

~~~

It’s the day before Christmas break starts, technically winter break. Fai doesn’t see the point in hiding the fact that the whole school year essentially seems to revolve around religious holidays. Seems like a rich man’s lie. 

It’s lunch time and Fai waits outside his English class for Kurogane. The hall is mostly cleared when he emerges from the room, more irritated than usual. Fai falls into step with him, he keeps up easily even if Kurogane walks like he’s about to break into a run. “What’s wrong?”

“Apparently there’s a paper due after winter break that I was supposed to be writing this whole semester. The fucking teacher assumed one of the other kids would have told me.”

Fai grimaces. “Yeah. I had Mrs. H. last year. She’s dumb as a box of rocks.”

“Whatever.” Kurogane leans against the lockers in the hall. “Are you eating lunch with your friends?”

“I was planning on it. You should come.”

“Tch. Yeah. That will end well.”

Fai sighs. He really wishes he could convince Kurogane to come. He’s been trying to get him to have lunch with his friends since he transferred. “C’ mon. It’s nice to talk to other people besides me. They’re really nice people. We all met in high school so it’s not like we’re that crazy telepathic friend group.”

Kurogane’s mouth twitches like it’s not sure what to do but eventually settles back into a frown. His face takes on a red quality. “They won’t like me.”

Fai frowns. He wants to say it’s not true, and it’s not. On the other hand he understands what Kurogane means. It’s not that his friends won’t like Kurogane; it’s that there’s a very real possibility they won’t understand him. Or even care to understand him.

“C’mon, Kuro-social. I swear, Violet hates Mrs. H. more than you.”

Kurogane looks away. Fai can tell he’s throwing his own personal tantrum.

“If you come, I’ll help you with your paper over break.” Fai singsongs as he steps around Kurogane and starts walking backwards down the hall.

Fai grins when Kurogane starts to follow him. “Fine, but you should know my bulllshit tolerance is like a two. If I don’t like them I’m leaving.”

“Fair enough!”

~~~

“My internet isn’t working.” Kurogane says immediately upon opening the door to greet Fai. It’s been down all day along with their cable.

Fai’s eyes go wide with surprise then relax once he’s understood what Kurogane’s said. “Does that mean I can’t come in?”

Kurogane steps aside. He holds his breath involuntarily as Fai steps past him into his house. It keeps happening, this nervousness around Fai. Kurogane isn’t dumb. He knows he’s gay as hell and has been, well since he met Fai - his first crush. That’s in the past now, he’s smarter than to think he can just clumsily try to kiss him and everything will work out - for a second time mind you.

Still, he can’t help that he finds Fai unbearably attractive. It’s part of what makes him so annoying, and yet he can’t bring himself to want Fai gone. 

Fai Jumps back and forth on one leg trying to yank off a snow crusted boot. Kurogane rolls his eyes, he always tells Fai  to come in through the side entrance so he doesn’t track snow in, but Fai never listens. He goes to the hall closet to grab a towel, pretty intent with the idea of throwing it at Fai’s chest and making him clean up after himself for once but when he returns Fai is gone. He throws the towel down on the already forming puddle and goes to the kitchen.

It’s unsurprising that Fai is there. He’s crouched down with his hands on the counter and his head laid delicately across them. Kurogane really should've known the first thing Fai would do was make hot chocolate.

Fai stands when he senses Kurogane’s presence. It’s kind of interesting to him how he’s never been this in-tune with any of his other friends. They work in tandem as opposed to side by side. He settles his arms on the island countertop, folded so his hands grab his elbows, and Kurogane sits opposite him on a barstool.

“We’re so close to finishing.”

“I know. Somebody crashed into the neighborhood’s signal box. Or whatever it is.”

Fai pushes his tongue into his cheek as he thinks. “We could go to my house?”

Kurogane raises his eyebrow. This is the first time he’s been invited over. “Sure.”

Fai finishes making the hot chocolate and they leave. 

They are walking up the front driveway to Fai’s very expensive looking house. Kurogane had always known Fai was well off but this just confirms it. 

“My parents are home.”

“Okay. We’re just writing a paper. No big deal.”

“They might bombard you.” When Kurogane doesn’t ask why Fai supplies the answer anyway. “I never bring friends over.” Fai pushes the front door open and Kurogane follows him in. “I’m home!” Fai yells into the house.

Almost immediately Fai’s mom appears in the foyer. She looks as young as she did four years ago when Kurogane met her, as if time is frozen around her. “Fai!” Her face goes pale. “Why aren’t you wearing another layer? It’s so cold out there. We don’t want you getting sick. Please think about your health.”

“Sorry mom.”

She frowns in worry. “It’s okay. Just don’t let it happen again. Why are you home from the library so early?”

“Oh,” Fai’s face falters if only slightly. “There was a book drive going on. Too many people to concentrate.”

Ulysses finally glances behind her son and her eyes go wide. “I didn’t know you were bringing a guest over.” 

“Sorry. This is Kory, a friend from school. He needed a little advice with his paper and since I wasn’t staying at the library all afternoon I thought I’d help him.”

She comes over and shakes Kurogane’s hand. “Why does Kory sound familiar? Is he in student council with you?”

Kurogane is about to answer when Fai does for him. “No, we’re in the same English class.”

“Ah. That must be it.” She turns back to Fai. “It’s so nice to know you’re hanging out with friends the same caliber as you academically.”

Kurogane catches Fai’s eyes as his face slips into a frown. Fai’s face retains the same expression of fake cheerfulness it had settled into as soon as they’d walked in. 

Ulysses grins, “Yay!” She balls her hands in little fists and shakes them in the air. “You never bring your friends over. I’m so excited I’m going to make creme brulee for dessert!” She turns to walk further into the house. “Oh, and Fai, sweetie. Make sure you get your winter break homework done.”

“Yes mom.” She leaves and Kurogane watches as Fai visibly relaxes his shoulders. “C’ mon I’ll show you my room. 

They walk through the living room and Kurogane takes it in. White on white on white is the only way to describe it. There’s a bar in the corner and family pictures in numerous frames. So many of the photos are from when Fai was little. The frames even cover the wall along the curved staircase. “There’s a lot of pictures of you.”

“Not really,” is all Fai returns.

His room is at the far end of the hall. Kurogane goes to the window opposite the door and sees Fai’s undisturbed, snow covered backyard. “You lied to your mom.”

“I thought we could avoid her if we were quick.”

“Whatever. It was shitty.”

Kurogane can feel Fai tense behind him. He uses the reflection in the window to see Fai hanging up the pullover he was wearing on a hook by the door. His form is stiff with sudden stress.

“I’m sorry.” Fai says it quietly. “I didn’t mean to. Those things just came out.”

Kurogane is doubtful and Fai must pick up on this because he continues. 

“My parents aren’t like your dad. They monitor everything I do and they are very critical.” They turn to face each other. “I didn’t want them to be critical of you.”

He leans back against the wall beside the window. “Fine.”

Fai grins and sits on the edge of his bed. “Grab my laptop from the desk.”

Kurogane rolls his eyes. “Lazy.”

“Kuro-meanie! You accuse me of being lazy?” Fai gasps in mock horror and Kurogane grabs the laptop.

Fai pushes himself further up the bed to the headboard and settles in. Kurogane hands him his laptop and lay long ways across the bed. Fai’s bed is surprisingly comfortable and his eyes slip closed. Moments later Fai is poking him in the rib with his foot. “Kuro-lazy. I can’t write the paper for you.” Fai singsongs at him.

In a moment of childishness Kurgane grabs Fai’s ankle, sits up and pulls him forward. Fai shrieks, a true genuine smile coming over his face as he laughs. “I’m not lazy,” Kurogane pokes Fai’s chest and Fai tries to push Kurogane off him.

“Why are you so heavy?” Fai laughs and his pushing becomes a little more forceful. 

Kurogane manages to capture both of Fai’s hands with the one not holding Fai’s ankle and pins them to Fai’s chest. His other hand releases Fai’s ankle and he balances their new position by setting his hand high on Fai’s hip.

Fai shrieks in laughter, startling Kurogane into letting go.. He takes in Fai’s face, pink all the way down his neck.

“Don’t,” Fai says in a half hearted warning. 

Kurogane feels a feral grin come over his face and his hand goes right back to Fai’s hip. His fingers work into the firm muscle as Fai convulses beneath him, laughing. His hand travels upwards, grazing Fai’s ribs. 

Fai’s laughter gets an octave higher. “Kuro! Ohmygod! I give! I give!”

He does stop, his hand on Fai’s ribs under his shirt. They look at each other panting, the smile on Fai’s face broad and relaxed. Without thinking about it, Kurogane’s hands move softly against Fai’s ribs. He feels the skin goose at his touch. He watches Fai’s face change. It’s not a frown on his face but surprise. Fai swallows and lets out a nervous laugh, “Kuro, you’re such a brute.”

The sentence alone sends Kurogane’s face into a blushing embarrassed mess. He pulls his hand back, not really sure what he’d been trying to accomplish. 

There’s a knock at the door and they spring away from each other. Fai crawls off the bed, straightening his shirt as he goes. He cracks his door open and his mother is there.

“Everything okay?”

“Um, yeah. We were just messing around while taking a break.”

His mother looks skeptical. “Okay. Make sure you are getting work done.”

“Of course.”

She narrows her eyes and Fai holds his breath. Rarely does she ever pick up on his lies but when she does there is always hell to pay. But he’s not really lying, right? “Okay then. We’re having steak for dinner. How does your friend want his done?”

Fai turns his body back to Kurogane. “How do you want your steak?”

“Medium.”

Ulysses nods. “That’s slightly better than well done.” She stares a second longer, “Keep it down up here.”

Fai closes his door and collapses against it. Kurogane is sitting on the very edge of the bed, still redfaced. “Let’s finish your paper.”

They settle on the bed together, every inch of space between them somehow palpable and Fai can’t help but think of the time they were children and the warm, unsure kiss Kurogane once gave him.

~~~

Fai is waiting under the canopy outside the back of the school. It’s where the teachers smoke during the day. There are tables set up and a large ashtray in the center. From here he can see the baseball field. Kurogane is up to the plate, he swings his bat back and forth a few times before stepping into the batter’s box. 

He’s sitting on the table top with his feet on the bench. Fai’s elbows rest on his knees and his head on his palms. His eyes follow the strong lines of Kurogane’s form. The way his spine rotates on his follow through and the determined set of  his jaw. He muses that convincing Kurogane to join the baseball team was one of the better things he’s done in his short life.

The rain picks up just a little then and echos off the metal roof of the canopy. He’s still in his tennis gear, his coach had released them early when the girls had complained the rain was making their practice uniforms see-through. Avoiding a sexual harassment suit was more important than practicing. 

The coach comes out of the dugout and yells something at Kurogane, who listens intently then turns back to the pitcher with renewed focus. He hits a few more balls and all of them fly deep into left field. The coach comes out again and backs Kurogane up a few inches in the batter’s box. He makes some very strong gestures towards center and right field and demonstrates something by miming a baseball swing. 

Kurogane nods and turns back to the pitcher who throws a ball, Kurogane swings a moment too late. Even from where he is Fai can see the frustration on Kurogane’s face and the way his hands tighten on the tape. There’s another pitch and this time the ball flies midway between center and right field. 

“Yes!” Fai says out loud then laughs at his own excitement. The coach seems equally excited; he pumps his fist and yells.

“That’s it! Hit me a few more of those and we’ll call it a day!”

Kurogane does, the balls flying into various places across center and right field.

Fai leaves to go change as the team starts laps. By the time he’s done, Kurogane is jogging up to the locker room. “Give me a minute.”

He nods and leans outside of the doors. The rest of the team files in and Kurogane emerges just as the coach and manager are walking up.

“Kory!” The coach flags him down.

Kurogane glances at Fai and he nods in return saying he’s fine waiting.

“Kid, you’ve really improved over these last couple weeks. You have the raw power just keep practicing the fundamentals.”

“Yes, Coach Carter.”

Coach Carter takes in a breath through his nose. “I shouldn’t say this now but I think there is a very strong possibility you’ll be starting in the game next week.”

Kurogane doesn’t emote but Fai picks up on the subtle tells that he’s pleased. His stance loses a little edge and he stands taller, his voice his softer when he speaks. “Thank you Coach.”

His coach claps him on the shoulder with a good-humored laugh, “Don’t go spreading that around! See you tomorrow.”

Fai comes up to Kurogane and puts a hand to his bicep. “I was watching today. You did great!”

“Thanks,” Kurogane’s cheeks go just a little red.

“I knew you’d be good at baseball.”

“Tch.” Kurogane shoves his hands in his pockets as they begin to walk. “You tried to convince me to join just about every spring sport.”

“Yeah, but baseball is the one I thought you’d really excel at.”

Kurogane smiles with genuine humor and it sinks every good feeling Fai has to the pit of his stomach. This happens more now, it’s the private moments like these that make Fai realize their relationship is changing. Kurogane feels comfortable enough around him to drop the prickly exterior for these rare moments that showcase his softer side. He simultaneously wants to frantically tell anyone who will listen about how Kurogane’s mouth crinkles in the corners when he smiles and how he has one dimple on his right cheek while also wanting to hide Kurogane away and keep the moment for himself.

“You just didn’t want to feel guilty about me waiting for you after school everyday.”

Fai hums, “This may also be true.”

They turn towards Kurogane’s neighborhood. Fai spends as much time at Kurogane’s house as he can; the atmosphere there is so warm and welcoming. Unlike his own home where he wishes he could disappear and stop disappointing his parents. However, he’s not staying today, he has a French lesson in an hour and his mom is already going to be upset that he’s running late to get home. 

“Are you going to come next week?”

Kurogane asks nonchalantly but Fai notices how he looks off into the distance trying hard to look like he doesn’t care.

“When is it?”

“Friday at five.”

Fridays Fai tutors grade schoolers in English right after school and has piano from four to five-thirty. “If I can get out of piano.”

Kurogane nods. “Hope you can make it.”

“Me too.”

~~~

“Absolutely not.”

Fai’s face falls. “Mom! It’s one time! I always go to my lessons without complaining, can I please just skip this one time?”

Ulysses turns around, her hands on her hips and soap suds soaking her clothes. She’s standing at the sink where she’s trying to do dishes. “What about your French lesson last week? Hmm? Claire called to tell me you never showed. You thought I didn’t know about that didn’t you? And you skipped out on your volunteer hours at the hospital just last month. Care to explain?”

Fai’s jaw goes slack but he’s upset now at having been caught and can’t back down. “I had a paper due that I needed to spend extra time on last month and the French lesson  - I - I just didn’t feel like going, okay?”

“No, not okay Fabian Donald Flourite.”

“Oh my god! You know I hate that name!”

“Well then don’t give me a reason to use it. I know what it is that’s making you act like this. It’s that new friend of yours. He’s a bad influence.”

Fai can feel his composure breaking into a million pieces. “You don’t know anything!”

“Fine. What I do know is that your GPA has dropped from a four point seven to a four point five in the last semester. My phone bill is through the roof because you are using all of the minutes staying up late on the phone.”

“Mom! I still have the highest GPA in the whole school.”

She turns back to the dishes. “Princeton isn’t going to see that it’s the highest GPA in your school. They are going to see that it’s not as high as all their other applicants. You aren’t skipping piano, that’s final.”

Fai comes around the island counter. “Fine! I won’t go to Princeton then! Plenty of other schools will want me.”

She looks up at him cold and calculating, “Ulysses wouldn’t have acted this way.”

He comes undone, “ _ Yuui  _ wouldn’t have had to have this conversation because you always loved him more!”

His mother sucks in a breath through gritted teeth. 

His body feel cold, “Mom, please! It’s Kory’s first game.”

“I should have known he was involved. You are not skipping piano and if your grades drop again you can kiss any social activities with _ Kory _ goodbye. You are to come home right after piano.”

“But earlier you said I  _ could  _ go after piano!”

She slams a pot down on the counter. “That was before you pissed me off!”

Fai’s mouth goes tight and he turns to leave.

“This is for your own good.”

He doesn’t even bother to respond.

~~~

Fai is standing outside his piano teacher’s house after his lesson. He hadn’t told Kurogane he wasn’t going to make it and he has a strange sense of deja vu deep in his stomach. He mounts his bike to go home. Normally his dad picks him up but both his parents are busy with a charity function for the hospital.

He’s riding past the school on his way home and sees that the lights for the field are still on. He stops and thinks. His mom won’t know if he doesn’t go directly home. He turns his bike towards the field.

They are in their seventh inning. Kurogane plays third, and Fai sees how Kurogane goes stiff when Fai walks up to the fence and waves. Kurogane looks at the ground and Fai knows he’s trying to hide his smile. Fai lights up and takes a seat in the bleachers.

Kurogane is their clean-up batter; with bases loaded in the eighth inning he hits the ball deep into right field for a home run. He rides on that adrenaline rush the rest of the game even in the moments he glances up from his position on third to see Fai grinning at him from the stands.

They win twelve to nine.

Fai is waiting for him in the parking lot when he’s finished with clean up. He’s changed into jeans and a plain white t-shirt. “Hey,” he tries to stop himself from grinning but fails when Fai tells him he played a good game.

“Sorry I was late. My mom wouldn’t let me skip piano. I wanted to tell you but I just couldn’t find the right time.”

Kurogane’s natural, stoic expression returns. “At least you showed.”

“What are you doing now?”

“Uh,” Kurogane glances behind himself where some of his teammates are standing by an upper classman’s minivan. “The team wants me to go grab burgers with them.”

Fai glances down and Kurogane isn’t sure how to interpret the gesture. He looks back up at him, a cheeky smile on his face. “Or we could go hang out at my place.”

Kurogane frowns. “I don’t think your mom likes me very much.”

“My parents are at a fundraiser. They won’t be home until after midnight.”

His face flushes hot and Kurogane tries to keep himself from getting worked up. “Okay. Let me just...” he gestures to the minivan.

“Yeah, no problem.”

Fai flexes his hands over his handlebars while he waits. His stomach is in knots.  _ Alone  _ seems like such a big word in his mind. It’d been an impulse decision to invite Kurogane over but now that he’s done it, all he can think about are the possibilities he’s been trying to push out of his mind since last winter.

He’s never thought much about his sexuality. He’s had a few girlfriends in varying degrees of seriousness but he can’t say that it’s new to him how he admires the hardness of a man’s body or the lines of a man’s face. He’d just pushed the thoughts away because there was never any reason to act on them.

Kurogane comes back, a rally of jeers trailing after him from the van. “Let’s go.”

They walk together, Fai pushing his bike. The cool spring night could almost be considered a chill. Neither of them talk, maybe because they are both having similar thoughts. They come to the train tracks that pass through Fai’s neighborhood. He stops then, a smile coming over his face. When he looks up, Kurogane is waiting for him under a street lamp.

“What, idiot?”

Fai catches up. “I was just thinking.”

“About?”

“Remember when we were kids and we followed the tracks?”

Kurogane snorts. “Yeah.”

“I didn’t realize until I was older but that lake was three miles from where we started.”

“We were really determined.”

Fai laughs. “Yeah. I guess we were.”

Kurogane snorts. “Remember the train hopper we saw?”

“Only  _ you  _ saw them.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“You know what I really remember though, how upset my parents were.”

Kurogane stretches his arms over his head. “My dad told me your parents threatened to sue him.”

Fai groans. “Sound like them.”

A moment passes. “You okay?”

Fai looks up to Kurogane. “Yeah. My parents want me to go to Princeton.”

Kurogane’s eyebrow quirks up. “That’s nice,” he tries awkwardly.

“I don’t want to. Or maybe I do.”

“You should just do what you want.”

“It’s not that simple.”

Kurogane shrugs. “It really is though.”

Fai frowns. There it was; their essential difference in ideology. “Yeah. Maybe.”

He puts his bike away in the garage and lets them in through the mud room. “I’m going to go put my bag in my room. Do you wanna grab us some waters and set up the tv?”

Kurogane shrugs. “Sure.” 

Fai jogs up the stairs and turns on the light in his room. He feels rushed somehow, wanting to slow things down before he goes back downstairs he goes to the bathroom and brushes his teeth, suddenly aware of the taste of his own mouth. While he’s there he pulls his hair up into a ponytail and lets it down about a dozen times before deciding to leave it down. He goes back to his room and notices that the light to the backyard is on, like a beacon in the night.

He comes down the stairs and goes to the living room. The door to the backyard is open, “Kuro?” Fai asks as he peeks out the door. 

Kurogane is looking at the jungle gym in the corner of the yard. “Hey, what are you doing?” Fai asks conversationally.

“Nothing. I just wanted to see the backyard. The last time I was here it was covered in snow.” Kurogane turns around.

“Oh. I could give you a tour of the house if you want. I guess I never got to do that,” Fai says as he steps outside and closes the door behind him. He walks into the grass to meet Kurogane in the middle of the yard. 

“Nah. It’s fine.” They stand there like that. A strange heat passes between them. It makes Kurogane’s throat tight. He has to look away from Fai. He glances behind him to the shed they have on their property. There’s a round metal pole sticking out from the side of it. “What’s that?” He nods in the direction of the shed.

Fai turns to look. “Oh, that’s our trampoline. I haven’t used it in a while.”

“Wanna get it out?”

Fai’s face lights up at the suggestion. “Sure! Help me roll it out.”

They roll it out to the middle of the yard,beyond the range of the flood lights’ motion detector. Fai climbs up first, the mat bounces under his weight. He’s just found his balance when he looks up for Kurogane. He sees him about ten yards away, he’s poised in a running stance but it isn’t until Kurogane is running at the trampoline that Fai realizes what he’s doing. “No, no, no, no,” Fai laughs as Kurogane runs toward him.

Kurogane somersaults onto the trampoline and lands causing Fai to lose his balance and fall to his hands and knees. He settles on his back and he slides towards the dent Fai is making with his body. 

“You jerk. Kuro-jerk!” Fai playfully brings his fists down on Kurogane’s chest. He stops breathing when Kurogane catches his wrist and holds it in the air. The smile slips from his face but Kurogane holds his gaze, measured and equally unsure. 

Kurogane’s hand nudges Fai’s fist open and his hand splays across Kurogane’s. He admires the way Kurogane’s Adam’s apple bobs in his throat as he swallows. “Hey,” Fai says softly. The flood light flickers off behind them. “Do you remember the last time we saw each other and we promised we’d be friends in the future, even if we changed?”

Kurogane scowls in embarrassment and his voice comes out hoarse. “Yeah.”

Fai laughs, his fingers going between Kurogane’s. “The funny thing is that we always say that neither of us has changed. You’re still like a cactus and I’m still -”

“Annoying,” Kurogane supplies.

He snorts. “Yeah. That.” Fai’s heart hammers in his chest when he feels Kurogane’s hand on his hip, his fingers turned downwards so they’re just below his lower back. “But, um, I think, maybe, we’re different now. That, maybe, our relationship is different.” He looks away quickly but then has to look back to gauge Kurogane’s reaction. 

Kurogane’s eyes are wide and seemingly awestruck, but his mouth is settled in that same deep concentrated frown that it always is. “Like light passing through a kaleidoscope.”

“Yeah,” Fai swallows. “Like that.” There’s a slight pressure where Kurogane’s hand is, it encourages him to extend his legs so he’s not leaning over Kurogane but laying on top of him, his knee between Kurogane’s legs and his chest pressed to Kurogane’s ribs.

Kurogane’s hand leaves Fai’s and he places it along Fai’s delicate jawline. His fingers are so long they extend into Fai’s hair. He’s never done this before. Each physical offering he’s making feels like it’s pulling him apart, spilling the quiet gentleness he contains out, and laying it bare in front of Fai.  _ First love,  _ the word rings like a siren in the back of his mind.

Fai feels so solid in his hands, firm and angular just like he’d imagined these last few months but, somehow, still better. “Do you remember when we were walking back from the lake and right before the cop picked us up I -”

He’s not able to finish his sentence before Fai’s mouth is pressed to his, successfully sucking every word he was about to say off of his tongue. He buries his hand in Fai’s hair drawing him closer and Fai follows easily. Kurogane can feel the way Fai is struggling to get purchase on the elastic netting so that he’s lying solidly across Kurogane’s torso.

Fai takes Kurogane’s hand from his hair and guides it to his other hip when the hand that has been there kneads into the soft flesh. Kurogane’s thumbs thread through his belt loops and draw Fai’s pelvis into his abdomen.

He moans into Kurogane’s mouth; it’s a shaky whisper of breath, satisfying in it’s release.  There is so much comfort in Kurogane’s presence and Fai soaks it up selfishly. 

They stay there, under the stars in the chill spring night. Their rutting bodies keep them warm as they explore each other with the clumsiness of inexperience and the enthusiasm of two kids who have just truly discovered the pleasure of kissing.

It’s as if they are removed from the world. There are no parents or broken childhoods or even futures to worry about. There is just them and the blossoming feelings between them.

And then there is the flood light, starling them out of their moment and yanking them back to their reality. Fai looks towards the house, the light blinding him for just a moment and then he sees his mother’s silhouette in the doorway. It all comes rushing back to him, his life and the punishment that is his existence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the trampoline scene was to great, I've always wanted to write a kiss scene on one and I think it turned out really well! I'ts really interesting exploring a budding relationship in short scenes, it forces me to be concise and decisive in the emotions I try to invoke and you and display in the characters.


	3. Transparent

Kurogane can’t sleep. It’s been nearly three hours since he left Fai’s house. Fai had said he’d call when he could, but now Kurogane is beginning to wonder when that will be. It’s bullshit honestly, Fai shouldn’t be getting yelled at by himself. Kurogane had been caught on that trampoline too.

He can’t help but pace, sitting still had never worked for him when he was this anxious. After a while he goes to the backyard and practices his swing. The repetitive motion keeps him sane. He wishes he could pause to be angry that his first  _ ever  _ experience had been cut short by the worst possible thing that could have happened. It doesn’t escape him that Fai’s parents don’t like him very much, probably even less now that he was caught with his tongue in their son’s mouth. Half the time it feels like the whole country is twenty years away from accepting him, and the other half of the time he wants to shout that it’s two thousand seven.

The landline rings and Kurogane drops the bat in the middle of the yard. “What?” He answers the phone, not even trying to hide that his every nerve is on edge.

“I want to see them.”

Kurogane’s whole body relaxes when he hears Fai’s voice. He let out a sigh of relief and glances at the clock on the microwave; it’s one in the morning. “See who, idiot?”

“The train hoppers.”

His eyebrows pull together and he frowns. This isn’t the conversation he’d assumed he would be having, but that’s what he gets for assuming anything when Fai is involved. “Why?” He asks with thinly veiled annoyance. Even through the phone he knows Fai is laughing at him.

“The whole time she was laying into me, they were all I could think about. They can just get on a freight train and leave. I think that would be nice, just being able to leave whenever, but I was stuck there. Listening to her.”

Kurogane sighs. “You aren’t stuck. You just refuse to move.”

Fai doesn’t say anything for a moment and then there is a dry laugh. “Guess so.”

He knows Fai is whispering and it makes him whisper too, even though he’s standing alone in his darkened kitchen, with only the light from the backyard illuminating the room. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Surprisingly she was less upset about catching us and more upset that I hadn’t used the time to study for my PSAT in June.”

“It’s March.”

“I  _ know. _ ”

Kurogane licks his lips. If Fai says everything is fine it must be. “Where are you going to apply for school?”

“A bunch of different places. All on the east coast.”

“Oh,” is all Kurogane can manage. He hasn’t given much thought to his future but it’s obvious Fai has. “Where are you hoping to go though?”

There’s a pause. “I don’t know. Princeton, I guess.”

Kurogane recognizes the name as prestigious. “Wow.”

“Yeah,” Fai yawns.

“Hey, um, what did your mom say about - you know.”

There’s movement on the other end of the phone. “She didn’t tell my dad and says she won’t so long as I don’t give her a reason too.” 

“Tch. What does that even mean?”

Fai sighs, “I guess she means that I need to keep my grades up and stop skipping

lessons.” Another pause. “You aren’t allowed over anymore.”

“Figured.”

“I’m also not supposed to go over to your house.”

It’s not that he’d been actively thinking about what they could do when they were alone but Kurogane does feel disappointed that it’s not even a possibility.

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her though.”

Kurogane smirks. “Don’t get caught.”

~~~

Fai has his arms out to either side of him to provide some semblance of balance as he walks along the rusted train track. Kurogane walks alongside him in the rocks. In his peripheral he sees Kurogane’s face distort as he takes in his school schedule for their junior year.

“What’s wrong.”

Kurogane half-heartedly folds the paper and stuffs it into his back pocket. “We don’t have the same lunch period.”

“We would if you took anatomy fourth period.”

“Tch. Like I’m smart enough for that.”

Fai hops off the tracks and plants himself in front of Kurogane. He rolls his eyes when Kurogane refuses to meet his gaze. “Look at me.”

Kurogane rolls his head to him, his gaze hard and narrow.

“It’s not any harder than,” Fai snatches Kurogane’s class schedule from his back pocket. “Marine biology. Marine biology, really? We don’t even live by an ocean.” He looks back up to Kurogane who blushes all the way up his ears. “Oh, is that Mr. Hanson’s class?”

Fai smiles as Kurogane’s mouth screws itself into a scowl. “Shut up.”

He turns around and continues walking, pleased with himself. “If we take anatomy together we could be study partners.”

Kurogane sighs. “Even if I did switch it’s not guaranteed we’d have it the same period.”

Fai stops and turns back around. “I’m the school’s pride and joy, I’ll just ask.” Kurogane isn’t fully convinced yet. “Come  _ on,  _ Kuro-smart. You’ve been practicing anatomy with me all summer anyway.” Fai smiles at the way Kurogane’s face struggles to hide a smile. He steps into Kurogane’s space, his arms going around his hips and he peers up. “We could spend a lot more time together.  _ Studying. _ ”

“Fine. Do what you want.” Kurgane breaks free of Fai’s grasp and continues walking.

Fai cheers, if only to annoy Kurogane. 

They come to a small security tower that, as far as they have ever seen, is abandoned. Since Kurogane had been banned from Fai’s house and since Fai had become determined to spot a train hopper they had turned it into a, probably illegal, outlook. They hop the fence that encircles the base and take the stairs to the open room at the top. They had broken the lock shortly after Kurogane’s first game and installed their own padlock to keep people out. It wasn’t fancy by any means but they had  _ borrowed  _ a camping generator from Fai’s garage to power an AC unit to help keep it cool and hung up some white Christmas lights, also borrowed from Fai’s garage.

They spent a lot of time in their watch tower, waiting to see if they could catch a train hopper. They’d been watching for nearly five months but had yet to see any. Fai had taken on memorizing train schedules and only made them watch the trains that passed through towns with a significant populace. 

Kurogane sits in a fold-up chair and Fai leans out over the edge of the tower to wait for the next train to arrive, due in  twenty minutes. “I think today is the day.”

“What makes it different?”

Fai turns to him, smiling. “The state fair starts tomorrow.”

“So?”

“If you were a nomad you would probably only stop places where interesting things were happening. I don’t know, maybe they find work there, too.”

Kurogane considers this and decides it’s not the most outlandish thing to think. Fai turns back to the tracks. In an instant Kurogane wants to hold on to him. He reaches out and snags Fai by the hips. He pulls him into his lap and buries his face in the space between Fai’s shoulder blades. Fai struggles for a moment. “Kuro-needy, I’m trying to do something.”

“Tch. You can see the tracks just fine from here.”

Fai relaxes and Kurogane feels his hand come up to rub over Kurogane’s arms. Fai sighs in contentment and Kurogane smiles. Their relationship may have its complications but he really likes these quiet moments. Just Fai and himself being together.

They sit like that even after Kurogane can hear the train in the distance. Fai’s face gets serious when the train approaches. He sits up a little straighter as he watches the train pull into the yard. It doesn’t stop but it slows as it prepares to drive through the city. 

“Nothing,” Fai groans and leans back against Kurogane’s chest.

Kurogane kisses at Fai’s exposed neck. “Sorry. Next time.”

“Hmm.” Fai agrees. He leans over and plugs in the string of lights as the look out starts to darken. When he sits back up he relaxes into Kurogane’s embrace. He keeps his eyes on the tracks, admiring the romantic idea of them. 

There’s movement on the opposite side of the train from them. If he looks closely at the space between the tracks and the undercarriage of the cars he swears he sees legs. “Kuro! Kuro look!” Fai breaks free or Kurogane’s grasp and rushes the outlook. He points. “There they are!”

Kurogane comes up beside him, “Holy shit.”

The train passes and it’s only then that Fai can see the three people that have disembarked. “Hey!” He yells, waving his arms and jumping up and down. “Hey! Up here!”

They turn a flashlight on them and it lights up Fai’s smiling face. “I found them.”

~~~

“You and Fai are spending a lot of time together.”

Kurogane glances at his father from the corner of his eye. “I guess.” They are in the car so it would make sense that it is  _ now  _ that his dad was trying to have this conversation. You can’t escape a moving vehicle and Kurogane has learned that’s what his father likes when he’s trying to have a serious conversation. He’s on his way to the school’s winter formal. Fai had convinced him they should go with their friends. They are really Fai’s friends, but that’s besides the point.

Sachihiro groans like he’s been asked a difficult question, which he has not. “I, uh, found a condom in the trash.”

Kurogane feels like his heart just dropped to his stomach. “Oh.”

“Care to explain.”

“Nope.”

There’s a long awkward pause as they come to the light before the high school. “It’s okay if - you know.”

But, Kurogane really doesn’t know. Okay could mean a lot of things.  _ It’s okay you’re going through a phase. It’s okay so long as no one knows. It’s okay if you’re dating a girl. It’s okay and I accept you.  _ “We’re just  - studying.” Kurogane offers at least that much because he’s not about to tell his dad how his mind is filled with thoughts of Fai. How he misses him at the strangest times. How he can’t sleep until they talk after Fai’s parents go to bed. How that loneliness he’s felt since his mom died doesn’t seem to be there anymore.

Sachihiro’s eyes go wide. “Oh! Well, um, how long have you been  _ studying _ ?”

Kurogane looks out the window, he knows he’s doing a piss poor job of hiding his mortification, but then again so is his dad. “Since March.”

His father nods like he isn’t completely horrified to be having this conversation. “Well, um...I’m your dad and I love you.”

“Oh, god.”

“You can study with whoever you want. But sixteen is  _ not  _ an appropriate age to be studying with anyone, no matter who they are.”

They pull into the school’s parking lot. This whole situation is making Kurogane uncomfortable. Still he seeks clarification. “So, what? Do you know I’m gay now or are we on two different pages.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Fine.” Kurogane goes to unlock his door. 

“Fai’s not allowed to be over if I’m not home anymore.”

He opens his door. “Whatever. I have a ride home. Bye.”

Sachihiro grins. “Have fun!”

Fai is standing by the flag pole. He rushes up to Kurogane. “Okay, don’t be mad at me.”

“My dad knows about us.”

Fai’s face falls, whatever he was about to say forgotten. “Wait, what?”

“He just told me in the car.”

“Oh no.”

“It’s fine. You’re just not allowed over unless he’s home now.”

The ease with which Kurogane’s dad has accepted the situation seems to take Fai by surprise. “Does this mean you’re going to want to come out? Since your dad knows?”

“What? No.” Kurogane frowns. “It’s no one’s business.”

“Oh,” relief passes over Fai’s face. “Good.”

“Wait, what do you mean ‘good?’”

“I just mean - I mean are we even - we’ve never said -”

Whatever Fai is trying to say is halted when a girl Kurogane doesn’t know runs over to them. “Fai!”

Fai turns around then back to Kurogane, his eyes plead with him.

She’s out of breath when she reaches them. “Thank you so much! When Violet told me she got me a date on such short notice I couldn’t believe it. I thought for sure you of all people would have a date.”

Fai looks between them uncomfortably. “Yeah, uh, no problem. Could you just give me a minute?”

“Sure!” She smiles and gestures behind her to where their common friend group is. “I’ll be over there.”

Once she’s out of earshot Kurogane lets out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. “What the hell, Fai.”

“I know. I should have told you. Violet just brought it up to me a few hours ago. Apparently Bianca’s date bailed on her last minute and she was devastated.”

Kurogane is unmoved. Rather he can’t move because it feels like anything might cause him to break as it is. He’s never at a loss for words. Often he picks the wrong ones, but at least they are there. All he feel now is betrayal, and he’s not sure how he’s supposed to voice that. His throat feels tight. “This is really shitty, Fai.”

Fai reaches his hand out and then retracts it. There are people watching after all. “I know. But, I couldn’t say no. It’s not like I could’ve told Vi that I wasn’t available.” Fai’s eyes look desperate. “It’s not like I want to be here with her.”

Kurogane’s anger starts to falter. Even though he hates it, he knows Fai is right. “Fine.”

Fai looks up at him, his face apologetic and sorrowful. “I’ll make it up to you.”

The evening is mostly unbearable. He knows Fai is holding back how charming he is but that doesn’t stop the girl,  _ Bianca _ , from trying to cling to Fai. They dance for a few songs and Kurogane excuses himself from the gym. He goes to the locker room and grabs a bat before heading to the field to blow off some steam. It’s begun to snow and he’s only wearing his suit jacket but Kurogane doesn’t even feel the cold. Without a pitcher he just throws the balls into the air and swings.

He doesn’t even make it halfway through the bucket he’s grabbed before he can feel Fai watching him from the visitors dugout. “Shouldn’t you be with your date?” He knows it’s mean and when he glances at Fai he can see he actually hurt him with his words. Part of him is satisfied and the other part of him reels. 

“Kuro, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I didn’t know what to do.”

“You could have said, ‘no.’” He throws up another ball and bats it to right field.

Fai looks at Kurogane’s hands wrapped tightly around the bat. Even from where he is he can see the angry red of Kurogane’s nailbeds where he’s been picking at his skin all night. He know he’s caused him to do it. Fear fills his insides like nothing else. He’s never been particularly afraid of anything but he’s afraid now. One mistake and he could lose it all, his escape and his security. “You know it’s not that simple.” It’s nearly a whisper but Kurogane hears him, he knows because Kurogane stops batting.

Kurogane’s shoulders fall. He raises a hand to his mouth and bites and his fingers. Fai almost tells him to stop. “You still could’ve said no.”

Fai takes a deep breath. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Kurogane bats another ball, this time to center field. “You don’t have to keep apologizing.”

“But I don’t feel like you’re okay yet.”

Kurogane spits and walks over to the fence along the visitor’s dugout. He grabs the fence. “Of course not. You took a  _ girl  _ on a date. I’ve already decided to forgive you, I’m just still upset.”

Fai can feel himself still frowning and Kurogane rolls his eyes. 

“Look, idiot. I know you aren’t like me. I know you like girls, too. Or that maybe I’m some fluke. That’s my own thing and I want to be upset about it by myself. Just go back. You’re being rude.” Kurogane walks back to the batter’s box and throws up another ball.

Fai isn’t even sure how to process what Kurogane just said. It seems so asinine to him that Kurogane would think that he’d  _ want  _ to even think about anybody else when they were together. He marches out of the dugout and over to Kurogane. He pulls him down by the jacket and kisses him there at home plate. Kurogane’s hand pulls him closer by the small of his back and Fai grabs his face. 

They pull back, their breath pillows between them in soft miniature clouds. Fai runs his thumbs over the tops of Kurogane’s cheekbones and he watches as Kurogane turns his face and kisses his palm. “Let’s get out of here,” Fai whispers.

“No,” Kurogane steps back to bat another ball.

“Come on! I need to make it up to you.”

Kurogane snorts. “No, what you need to do is go back inside so that girl isn’t disappointed a second time.” He sends a ball to left. “It’s not her fault we were fighting.”

“So we’re not fighting now?”

He shrugs, “Guess not.”

“Fine,” Fai skips backwards. “But we are hanging out after I take her home.”

“You drove here?”

Fai laughs, “Mom let me borrow the car when she found out I was going with a girl. Meet me at the flagpole around eleven.”

Kurogane smiles to himself, “Okay.” He hits another ball to center.

It’s ten past eleven and Kurogane is sitting on the base of the flag pole. It’s typical of Fai to be late and if he wasn’t freezing his ass off he wouldn’t mind. He recognizes Fai’s Santa Fe when it pulls up. The window rolls down and Fai shouts at him, “Hey there. You know where a man can find a good time?”

Kurogane gets up, “Shut up, idiot.” 

Fai just laughs and unlocks the passenger door.

“Where’s Bianca?”

“She had a ten thirty curfew.”

“Ah.” Kurogane nods. “Where are we going?”

Fai cranks the radio. “What? I couldn’t hear you.”

Kurogane flips him off in good humor and accepts that he’s at Fai’s mercy, in more ways than one. He’s only driven with Fai a couple times. Mostly when it’s raining and they have school. He studies Fai’s face in the light blue glow of the dash lights. The bridge of his nose is somehow especially attractive, straight and perfectly narrow so that it compliments Fai’s angular cheeks and pointed jaw. He loves Fai’s jaw, prominent and often in motion as Fai can never stop moving his mouth whether because he’s speaking or just occupying himself.

When Fai finally turns off the road Kurogane recognizes where they are immediately. They pull right up to the entrance of the gym without regard for the parking spaces. Kurogane loosens his tie and undoes his seatbelt. 

“Come  _ on!”  _ Fai turns off the engine and exits the car.

“How do you plan on getting in?”

Fai looks over his shoulder, “Um, window?”

“You brought us here and you don’t even have plan?”

Fai just waves him off. They go around the side and Kurogane blows into his hands while Fai examines the various windows. “Over here!” Fai calls him over. Sure enough he’s found an open window. They climb inside and both relish the warmth that immediately begins to seep in through their clothing.

The lighting is scarce but a few of the scoop lights over head are on. “What are we doing here?”

Fai looks up to the rafters and then points. “It’s still there.”

Kurogane looks up and sees the basketball he’d spent a summer obsessing about. “Holy shit.”

“Let’s get it down. Like we said we would.”

He can’t stop staring, “Okay, but how?”

“Maybe we can hit it with another ball.”

“Where are we going to get one?”

Fai walks away and Kurogane tears his eyes away from the rafters. He sees him making his way to the storage room. “Just because they left a window unlocked doesn’t mean they are going to leave their storage room unlocked.”

The door opens without much force and Fai just grins at him as if so say  _ see?  _ He rolls a canvas crate of basketballs out to the middle of the gym. Fai picks one up and throws it at the rafters, it misses by miles. From the corner of his eye he sees Kurogane smirking at him. “Oh hush. Like you can do any better.”

Kurogane throws a basketball. It doesn’t hit its intended target  but at least it flies over the rafters.

Fai sneers. “Shut up.”

They take turns throwing basketballs. Kurogane makes contact twice but the ball is wedged in there pretty tight. “Mother fucker,” Kurogane laments the second time he makes contact. Fai laughs at him.

“Kuro-vulgar, watch this!” Fai spins around with a ball in one hand and the other extended out behind him, he flings the ball like he’s throwing a discus. It flies to the other side of the gym and slams into the front doors. Both of them keel over laughing.

“You’re a dumbass,” Kurogane regains his composure slowly, his joy seeping into his insult obviously. 

Fai grabs another ball. “Okay, for real this time.” He rears back and throws it. He hasn’t gotten close all night but that doesn’t stop him from trying. The ball arcs through the air as if it’s found the most helpful air current in the room and collides with the ball in the rafter. They both fall to the gym floor and all they can do is stare for a moment before glancing back up to where the ball had been.

Fai whoops and rushes to pick up the ball. He circles Kurogane in a run with the ball raised above his head. “I am the greatest!” He travels to close to Kurogane and is caught by his waist. Kurogane swings him around in a circle.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever, you beautiful idiot.” He sets Fai down.

Fai turns to Kurogane, still holding the ball. “Did you just call me beautiful?”

Kurogane just blushes is response, but Fai beams. The happy feeling carries him down river to the port that has been on the horizon for a while now. He doesn’t think when he says, “I love you.”

Kurogane’s eyes go wide. “Y-you shouldn’t say that just because we were fighting earlier.”

“I’m not! I mean it. I - I love you.” When Kurogane doesn’t respond Fai can feel his smile start to wane. “You don’t have to say it back. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot.”

Fai offers Kurogane the ball and he takes it. Turning it’s deflated body over in his hands. “You know, this ball used to remind me of myself. After my mom died.” Fai wants to say something about how this isn’t related to anything that just happened but he keeps quiet. “Just kind of left up there, alone. But then, you know, you came along and wouldn’t leave me alone. And it’s years later and you still won’t leave me alone.”

He knows what he’s trying to say but he can’t help himself, it’s who he is. “Do you  _ want  _  me to leave you alone?”

“No, you idiot. I’m trying to say that I love you, too.” Kurogane’s whole body seems to heat up. “You got the ball down from the rafters.”

~~~

Another month another SAT test.  _ Higher, higher, higher.  _ Fai repeats the mantra in his head his scores need to be  _ higher.  _ He’s been working himself to the bone for these scores, just another ten points in math, that’s all he needs. Even though he’s sick he hasn’t stopped, he’s worked himself into a fever.

He’s working through another set of proofs when his cell rings, Kurogane had just gotten one a month ago and now Fai actually has a reason to use his.

He answers, “Hey.”

“Go to bed.”

Fai sighs, “It’s three in the afternoon.”

“You have a fever.”

“I took some aspirin.”

He knows Kurogane is scowling at him from the other side of the phone.  _ Lie.  _ “I’m laying down on the couch watching TV.”

“What are you watching?”

“Gilmore Girls. Obviously.”

“Which episode?”

Fai stops, having become stuck on step. “Um, the one where Jess and Rory get into a car crash.”

“Tch. It’s the beginning of the end for them.”

Fai pulls the blanket around his shoulders tighter. “No, Jess’ insecurity is.”

There’s a pause and then a knock at the door. “She should’ve ended up with Jess.” 

He giggles as he gets up and goes downstairs. “You always had a soft spot for him.”

“Of course. He never let Rory get too far up her own ass.”

“Harsh.”

“True.” Fai knows Kurogane is smiling. He loves talking about Gilmore Girls, or really any dramatic show. Not that Fai’s allowed to point it out. “Are you really resting?”

“Yeah. Of course.” Fai answers the door and standing there is Kurogane.

He hangs up his phone. “How’d you know?”

“The rerun channel is on the episode where Dean cheats on his wife with Rory.”

Fai steps to the side. “My mom will be home soon.”

Kurogane is toeing off his shoes. “It’s Wednesday, she has her book club and your dad works late.”

He closes the door and frowns, suddenly his whole body feels weak. “How do you remember that?”

“Well, I didn’t lose my virginity on a Thursday.”

“Aw, Kuro-sentimental. You’ll make me blush.”

“Tch. Shut up. I brought you that soup you like from Panera.” He goes to the kitchen and Fai follows. “Go lay down. I’ll bring it up to you.”

“Kuro, I’m fine. Really.”

Kurogane scowls. “Just let me do this for you.”

Fai rolls his eyes knowing he won’t win this argument. He trudges back upstairs and contemplates cleaning up his desk so it’s not so painfully obvious he’s been studying all day. It’d be easier to hide it, but part of him  _ wants  _ Kurogane to see. He curls up in the middle of his bed, his knees pulled into his chest and his head turned into the mattress. He really does feel terrible.

“How long have you been studying?” Kurogane asks when he enters the room.

“Since I got up.”

“When did you get up?”

“Ten, I think. Maybe a little before.

Kurogane sits on the edge of his bed. “You aren’t taking care of yourself.”

Fai turns over and wraps his arms around Kurogane’s hips. “That what I have you for.”

He can almost feel Kurogane’s eyeroll. “I want you to be able to take care of yourself so it’s one less thing I have to worry about.”

“What are you worried about, Kuro-sensitive?” 

“We’re talking about you. Not me.”

“I know. Tell me what about me makes you worry.”

Kurogane’s hand comes to rest on Fai’s arm. He sighs from deep in his chest. “You keep doing this to yourself. You lost weight, again. It’s not like you weigh a whole lot to begin with. You keep sneaking off to fall asleep at lunch but then you stay up until two or three in the morning.”

“No I don’t.”

“Tch. Liar. Your eyelids are all purple because you aren’t getting enough sleep.”

“Don’t be mad.” Fai squeezes Kurogane in his arms.

“I’m not mad. I’m,” Kurogane pauses. “ _ Concerned?  _ You’re less happy lately. _ ” _

Fai frowns. “Sorry.”

Kurogane tenses in aggravation. Fai is so dumb sometimes, but maybe it’s his own fault for not being able to communicate properly.. “Don’t be sorry. Fight back. Do something.” There he goes again with his stupid, hurtful words.

To Kurogane’s surprise Fai just pulls him closer. “The messed up thing is I don’t even want it. My SAT scores are already really high. It just doesn’t feel like enough.”

Ah, so Fai’s unsure he’s done enough to achieve his goals. Makes sense, he’s always worrying about stuff like that. Kurogane reaches back and ruffles Fai’s hair. “You’re going to make it into Princeton. No problem.”

Fai tightens his arms around Kurogane. “I know.”  _ That’s the problem. _

Kurogane pivots to look at him, “Eat your soup.”

~~~

When he was a child a year seemed like a timeframe that would never end and now that he’s about to be a senior in high school Fai wishes he still felt that way. A year. Only twelve months. Only three hundred and sixty-five days before everything ends and begins all at once. He’s been working towards this ending since he was a child. He feels sick.

Fai leans into Kurogane’s side. They are at the train yard like they often are during their free time. Above him Kurogane hums the new Cage the Elephant song that they’ve been playing on the radio a lot while Fai opens and closes his new slider phone. Kurogane turns and kisses the crown of his head. “You’re tense.”

“Just bored.”

“You wanna mess around?”

Fai just snorts and lets a smile fall across his face. “It’s like a million degrees in here since the AC unit died on us.”

He can hear the good humor in Kurogane’s voice. “You didn’t care yesterday.”

“ _ Besides  _ I think another train is coming in.” They had never stopped looking for the train hoppers. If anything, over this last summer, Fai had just gotten more serious about it. He’s started documenting the graffiti on the sides of the trains and can now identify which cars are most likely to have stowaways. 

Kurogane always humors him, sitting in the look out until it falls dark and sometimes even after. He acts as a bodyguard when Fai decides to make contact with the various groups that pass through town. Over the years they’ve spoken with ten. One of the groups has passed through a few different times and Fai actually knows their names. Most of the groups have been older people who had fallen on hard times, but then there were those who were more or less vagabonds finding their way in the wind.

They have fallen silent. “This is it, huh?”

Kurogane glances at him. Fai has seemed  _ inward  _ lately. As if he’s constantly reflecting on something. He’s nervous about the future just as much as Fai is. He wants to know what it means for them but he’s too afraid to ask. It’s dumb, honestly. He’s never been afraid to speak his mind about anything. “We’ll be okay,” he says it and hopes Fai understands that he means long term. Years from now they will be okay.

Fai smiles up at him. “Hopefully.”

That’s not the response he’d been hoping for.

“It’s truly been a pleasure having you at our school, Fai.”

“Thank you Principal Wells.”

“I know we have the spring semester left but I feel like this might be my only opportunity to tell you.” He hands Fai a stack of sealed envelopes. “Here’s my recommendation. Any school will be lucky to have you.”

Fai slaps on a smile to hide his panic. “Thank you, again.”

“Of course.” Principal Wells sits. “See yourself out.”

In the hall Kurogane is waiting for him. They have plans to hit up the local DQ before Fai’s volunteer work. “Did you get it?”

“Yeah.” The smile has already fallen from his face. “These are the last things I need for my early admissions applications.”

“Hmm.”

Fai wants nothing more than to go hide with Kurogane at the train tracks and never come back here. It’s not even a solid enough plan to consider seriously . Lately dinners at his house have consisted of his parents asking him if he’s leaning more towards an engineering or medical major.

“Hey,” Kurogane says it quickly like he’s had to force himself. 

“Yeah?”

“Um, next fall. Will we still be -” Kurogane looks away and realization dawns on Fai right alongside a healthy amount of horror.

“Yes! We’re not - nothing is happening to,” Fai pauses and looks around. His voice goes quiet. “ _ Us. _ ” Fai watches Kurogane’s face first he sees relief then something else. “Why are you bringing this up?”

Kurogane looks away again, scowling. “I don’t know. My English class went to a presentation today.”

“For what?”

“The Army.”

More horror. “No.” Fai stops, fear sinking through him. “Absolutely not. Don’t even think about it.”

They are stopped in the middle of the courtyard. Kurogane licks his lips and steps closer so they can’t be overheard by anybody who might walk by. “Fai. I - You know I love you. I think this might be the best option.”

“The - the  _ best  _ option? Who put that bullshit in your brain!”

Fai regrets it immediately. Kurogane and him are equals in so many ways and it’s hard to break down the emotional steel barrier that Kurogane keeps but Fai has an all access pass. His boyfriend isn’t insecure about much except that he’s not as smart as Fai. “Look. Not all of us have what it takes to  _ leave  _ to a fancy school. I don’t want to be stuck here either and there’s benefits and money when I get out. It’s four years. The same as you and I’ll have something to offer at the end of it.”

Fai feels helpless, Kurogane’s talking about leaving to  _ war  _ and Fai’s trying not to collapse under the weight of the world. “You have other options. What about all the scouts that have been looking at you? You’ve taken the team to state twice and won both times.”

“So what? I go to college on a full ride or even a partial ride and then what? I - I’m not like you Fai. I’m average when it comes to school and half the time that’s because you’re there with me.”

Fai  feels like he’s shaking, there’s so much rage and sadness. “I cannot go to school and worry about whether or not you’re getting blown up half way across the world. If you love me you won’t do that to me.”

He’s never given Kurogane an ultimatum and part of him thinks he’s played the wrong card because Kurogane has never taken well to being backed into a corner. “Tch.” Kurogane turns his head sharply. “If I fail at school and can’t support us it’s on you.”

An ocean’s worth of relief washes over him. A smile he can’t help spreads across his face and he reaches over to punch Kurogane in the arm. “You should be an EMT.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, maybe I’ll be a doctor. We could work at the same hospital. A dream team.”

A dream indeed, he can’t even bring himself to tell Kurogane he can’t picture his future at all.

~~~

Fai’s eyes fly open in a panic. He’s had yet another dream where he’s sitting in class and suddenly the whole floor falls away from him and he’s plummeting through space straight into the sun. Graduation looms just a few weeks away. Fai turns to look at his bedside clock. It’s six in the morning. 

He throws his blanket off and creeps as quietly as possible down the stairs and out the front door with the mail key in his pocket. It’s early spring and there’s still a lingering nip in the air from winter. As he approaches the end of his driveway he sees the mailman get in his truck and drive away.

Part of him hopes there is nothing for him and the other part of him wants it to be over. He pulls open the front hatch and there they are, the big pearly white envelopes he’s been waiting for. He takes them and leaves the rest before running back inside to his room.

It’s all so real then. His future is broken down into four choices; Princeton, John Hopkins, Boston, and Cornell. He spreads the packets out on his bed. He knows he got into them, there’s no doubt in his mind. Four choices. Four futures. He’s so limited. Engineering or medicine and then his life is decided.

He looks beyond the envelopes to the empty space on his bed, his floor, his walls and he imagines hundreds of futures instead of four. He could do anything. He spent years studying piano, why isn’t there a music school among his choices? He spent years playing tennis, why isn’t the collegiate level something they’ve talked about? He’s fluent in three languages besides English and not a single time has it been brought up that he could make a life with that. No, it’s science and engineering. Math and science aren’t even his favorite subjects.

One by one he opens the letters. It’s as he’s feared, he’s been accepted to them all. He grabs a pillow and screams into it.

~~~

Princeton has already sent him information regarding his freshman orientation and he hasn’t even gone through with his high school graduation yet. Kurogane got a partial scholarship to the state college. When he told Fai, Fai had cried tears of joy. He’d never been so happy about the future.

“Fai.” He jumps, startled. The principal is looking at him. 

He looks out at the crowd of parents and students all looking at him expectantly. He smiles at them, “Sorry. I was just taking in the moment.”

His hands shake and he looks down at his notecards. He feels like everyone can see he’s falling apart. Quickly, he finds Kurogane in the crowd and it grounds him. So close and a million miles apart, isn’t that how it’s always been.

With a firm hand he sets the cards down on the podium. “I had a speech prepared. I’ve been working on it for weeks. It’s faculty approved and I imagine the staff might cut the mic, but please don’t. I won’t be long. My speech was about setting our sights to the future but now that I’m standing before you I appreciate the present more than ever. We only have now and we should seize that opportunity. Never let the future blind you from what’s right in front of you.”

Fai licks his lips. “Thank you.”

There is scattered applause as he exits the stage. He knows the speech he had prepared was eons better but he couldn’t bring himself to believe in it at the last minute. He returns to his seat and turns around. Kurogane is staring at him, he tips his head at Fai. 

They are a million mile apart. He has to try to close the gap.

~~~

Kurogane had listened to Fai practice his speech about a hundred times down at the tracks so he’s more than surprised when he doesn’t go through with it. Lately, Fai is distant. He’s as affectionate as he’s ever been but there it something he’s not saying and all the lines of questioning he’s tried haven’t brought it out. 

Fai is balancing on the train tracks and Kurogane sits on the rocky bank that leads down to them. “What happened today?”

“I just said what I was feeling.” Fai kicks one leg back and bends over until his hands grip the track. He comes back up. “Do you want to run away with me?”

Kurogane scoffs. “What?”

“We could hop a train and be gone.”

This has to be a joke. Kurogane tries a half smirk. “Yeah. Right. We have school in eight weeks. We have no money.”

Fai stares down the tracks. There’s a train coming. “I guess you’re right. It would be hard. But I would do it with you. I want us to be together.”

The train comes steadily into the train yard. Fai just stares. Kurogane’s gaze narrows. “Fai, get off the tracks.”

Fai either doesn’t hear or doesn’t care. He steps onto the wooden cross beams. The headlight of the train lights his face in all the wrong places and it’s horn blares out loudly over the train yard. “Get off the fucking tracks!”

Fai opens his mouth and Kurogane can’t hear that he’s screaming into the light of the train until he’s tackling him off the tracks to the other side.

The train rushes past them and Kurogane stays with his body pressed over Fai’s until it’s gone. “What the fuck was that? I know I call you an idiot but that is a new form of stupid I haven’t seen from you.”

Fai picks himself up and steadies his eyes on Kurogane. “I don’t want to go to Princeton.”

Kurogane is still breathing heavy. “Is that what this is about?”

“A little.”

The answer seems obvious. “Then don’t go.”

“It’s not that simple.”

Kurogane grabs Fai by the shoulders and holds him until he meets his gaze. “It is. You always say it’s not but it is. What  _ do  _ you want?”

Fai shakes him off. “I don’t know. I want to be with you, but not here. I want to see everything. How can I know what I want to be when I’ve never even left the state?”

He pulls Fai to his chest. “That’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to go to college so that you can see the world. And I’m doing the same so I can be there with you.” He pulls back to look down at Fai’s face. There are tears forming in Fai’s eyes and Kurogane wipes them away with his thumbs. “You can’t just bail out now.”

Fai nods. “Kiss me.”

Kurogane does, softly. It’s a reassurance.

“I love you. I love you so much.” Fai’s eyes water.

He pulls Fai back to his chest. “I love you, too.” 

Fai’s hands tighten around his back. “I’m sorry, Kurogane. I love you.”

~~~

It’s five in the morning the day after their graduation when Kurogane wakes up to his dad knocking on his door. “Get up. Meet me in the living room. It’s serious.”

He’s only been home three hours, not even asleep for that many. He and Fai had stayed out all night. It’d been strange but sweet. Fai had clung to him. Whispered sweet nothings in his ear, and he’d returned the gestures with equally measured and sincere yearnings. Usually he was uncomfortable with being overly affectionate but Fai had needed the reassurance.

He doesn’t put on a shirt, just pulls on some gym shorts and stumbles into the living room. He’s slapped into reality when he sees Ulysses and Fabian in his living room. Ulysses’ eyes are red and Fabian is rubbing her shoulders. “I just don’t understand,” she repeats over and over before seeing Kurogane has entered the room.

“What’s wrong? Is Fai okay?” He crosses the room to Fai’s parents. “Where is he?”

“We were hoping you could tell us,” Fabian says. “We thought you two might be together.”

“He went home when I did.”

Ulysses thrusts her arm out, a crinkled piece of paper in her hand. “We found this on the counter.”

Kurogane opens the note.  _ You’ve made every decision in my life so far. I’m making the rest. _

He reads it over and over. The words don’t seem to mean anything when they are strung together like that. “No.” He drops it. “He’s not allowed to leave me. Not like this.”

He walks past them to the front door and then he’s sprinting to the train tracks, barefooted and cursing all the way. “Fai!” He screams into the early morning dew. “Where the fuck are you, you fucking idiot?”

There’s no response. His breathing is heavy and panicked. He grabs his hair and pulls his whole upper body down then rights himself in one quick motion. “Fuck!” 

Desperately he looks around, tears blurring his vision. From the corner of his eye he sees the lights in their lookout are on. Relief rushes through him like he’s never known. He takes the stairs two at a time. “Fai, you asshole. You better have a good explanation!” He swings open the door and his whole body feels like lead. The lookout is empty. 

“Fai?” He stomps into the room and moves all the furniture they’ve collected over the years like Fai might be hiding behind any of it. “Fuck!” He roars and in his rage knocks over their radio. The CD picks up where it had been left.  _ Linger  _ by the Cranberries plays and that’s when he notices the letter on the table where the radio had just been. 

He opens it, hoping it’s not what he thinks it is.  _ Kuro-love,  _ it reads.

_ I’ve left with so many more questions than answers - and this stupid letter.  _

Kurogane sits on the loveseat they had dragged up there the summer before. He weeps with the letter, mostly unread, pressed to his face.

_ You know I’m such a fool for you... _

~~~

The sun rises as the train speeds out of the city limits. Fai looks out over the top of the train cars as they go east. The sun greets him, warm on his face even if the wind makes his skin goose. He throws his arms out to either side of him and closes his eyes as he rushes head first into the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think when people fall in love young that often times there's a lot of aspects of the SELF that aren't formed. I think that's the tragedy here. They really care for each other and yet it's not enough to keep Fai from leaving. Oops.


	4. Reflection

_ Kuro-love, _

 

_ I’ve left with so many more questions than answers - and this stupid letter. I won’t ask for your forgiveness because I don’t deserve it. I can’t imagine your face - actually I can and it breaks my heart... almost enough to make me stay.  _

_ You were right about me when you called me a liar. I’ve been lying for as long as I can remember. Every lie I told has led to this fake life that I’m destined to start if I stay here. It’s like in poker, you know when to fold. But I didn’t and now everything is crashing down on me and I’ve lost.  _

_ I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I want to be. And you keep asking the hard questions. As long as I’m here, with the bed of lies I made I’ll never have an answer for you. _

_ There is one lie I never told. I love you. That’s it. _

_ You are my one truth,  _

_ Fai _

~~~

**I don’t know why I’m doing this. That’s honest. Something I guess you never were, right? At least according to that fucking letter you left me.**

**I’m angry, is that obvious enough? I wish you could somehow feel my rage. Knowing you can’t just makes me remember that you’re gone and want to punch a brick wall until my hand breaks. Or something.**

**It’s stupid. I still remember your smile and laugh and I wish they still gave lobotomies because I could use one to forget you. Even then I probably wouldn’t**

**You’ll never get this. I don’t even remember your address to send it to your parents’ house and now that I’m in basic training it’s not like I can just walk over and give it to them.**

**It’s kind of funny. One of the guys in my bunk told me to write this even if I wasn’t going to send it. You wouldn’t believe how many guys enlist to forget their broken hearts. Myself included.**

 

**Kurogane**

~~~

_ To Kurogane Suwa with love, _

 

_ It’s taken me three months to get together enough money for a notebook and as soon as I had it I had no idea what to say. I’ve been looking at it for a whole day now and it’s only made me realize that you’re the only person I want to talk to about what’s happening with me. _

_ I miss you. I can’t believe I’m even saying that. I don’t deserve to miss you, I left you. It’s something I regret everyday and yet all the other regret I feel having wasted my youth keeps me on these trains. _

_ I miss showers too. You and hot showers. _

_ Even though you’ll never see this, not that I would ever withhold it from you, I’m writing as if you might. _

_ I’ve been all along the upper east coast. If you ever get the chance you should go to Vermont. You would hate it in a comical almost confused way. I laugh thinking about it. _

_ I hope you’re enjoying school. Remember all those study techniques I taught you. I know you can do it! Maybe there’s an LGBT club there, not that I think you would go. _

_ Look at all this small talk. Even on paper I feel the weight of my decision pulling us apart. It’s dumb, I always felt like I was a million miles from you and now I might not be able to fix that. _

_ The people are nice, I’m with a group of young couples, only two couples. I look at them sometimes when they are sleeping and imagine what it would be like if you had actually come with me. I want you here with me. I’m missing part of myself and will be until we reunite. _

_ Will you even want me then? Would you forgive me? I’ve already said I don’t deserve your forgiveness but maybe you would give it to me anyway. _

_ I still love you. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt saying that. _

_ To a love only I know, _

_ A love I’ve only given you _

~~~

**Fai,**

 

**Afghanistan is fucking hot. I don’t know why I’m doing this again. After the last time I wrote you I thought about burning the letter, like a final fuck-you-why-did-you-do-this?-fuck-off-you-fucking-fuck to you. But I couldn’t because after everything I still love you and I hate it. I kept the damn letter I wrote you. It’s in the bottom of my foot locker.**

**Maybe this is reaching you somehow. Maybe you’re thinking of me. I’m thinking of you, all the time. The only time I don’t is when we’re running drills or I’m playing baseball with some of the guys.**

**I try to imagine you here with me sometimes. I mostly try to imagine you with short hair. I’m torn between finding it unbelievably attractive and laughing. Your hair emotes when you do, not sure I ever told you that. Like you smile and your hair gets bigger. You frown and it gets flat. I wish I didn’t know these things about you.**

**I’m less mad at you now and more mad at myself. You tried to tell me and I didn’t know how to know that. Like, I didn’t understand. I still don’t, but at least I know that now. I think about that a lot to. I wonder if I let you down. You’re the last person I would have wanted to let down.**

**Kurogane**

~~~

_ My dearest secret, _

 

_ I wish you hadn’t been. Things in the world aren’t like things in the midwest. I guess we always knew that. I spent a week in NYC with a friend I’ve made. (I talked about her in another entry, Claire. We’re sticking together for now but I’ve learned that just because you have a group now doesn’t mean you will tomorrow. As is the norm out here.)  _

_ I went to a gay club for the first time. It was dark and the floor was sticky. In the ten minutes I was there before I was thrown out for being underage some random guy tried to pick me up. He reminded me a little of you. Tall and handsome, dark hair, and a voice that made me weak in the knees. He really tried his hardest but I don’t even remember what he said to me. I just kept imagining you punching his lights out for hitting on me. It makes me laugh. I wonder if you were to actually read this if you would hate me for telling you this. _

_ But there’s more. When I turned him down he asked if it was because I had a boyfriend. I said I did but I couldn’t help but wonder if I do. We never broke up, but I did leave. It was the first time that I felt cognate of the possibility that you might, maybe, should, and probably have moved on. I broke your heart you probably hate me, but I hope you don’t.  _

_ Being in a gay club also made me realize that if you have decided to move on you are one sought after piece of ass. Kidding, but not really. Also not the point I wanted to make. The point I want to make is that - why is this so hard? If you were here, you would know what I was trying to say. _

_ Let me try again. I saw men being in love. We were in love, weren’t we? But the difference was that we were in a bubble. Only we could be there. We could only be US there. When I was in that bubble I left a lot of things on the outside because the bubble was like escaping reality. My anxiety was reality, my doubts, my need to just stop before everything consumed me. Our bubble was perfect but it was one of my lies too. I don’t think you were in that bubble with me. I wasn’t an escape for you, I was a part of you.  _

_ So, I saw these men, out in the world and I realized we could have experienced the world together. Maybe we still will. _

 

_ No secrets in the future - should there be one, _

_ Bubble Boy _

~~~

**Idiot,**

 

**Happy birthday. You’re nineteen today, I wonder if you know that. It’s not like I think you have a calendar. YOU might, but that’s because you always think of the strangest things. Like the time we went camping and you brought an extra loaf of bread to feed to the ducks. They chased you and you fell in the water and made me give you my sweater. Well, you stole my sweater.**

**It’s hard to know what to say when I write these things, I think I say that every time and it doesn’t get easier. I feel sad but happy. I feel like an idiot for being sad, what a useless emotion. There’s a word for that though, just can’t think of it. You would know.**

**I go back and forth between being mad at you, being mad at myself, and hating everything. What kind of life can I even live if you aren’t here? When I first met you I would have punched somebody for thinking shit like that, now here I am feeling like somebody scooped out part of me. I want to get over you, you left me. I shouldn’t be pining. I only think in terms of shouldn’t and wish with you. I shouldn’t miss you, I wish you were here - like that.**

**I’ve always been this way Fai - maybe not always, but since I’ve known you. Rough around the edges - I hate that term but it’s a cliche that fits. So it’s hard for me to write this shit down even if I know no one will see it. But if I don’t write this down it’s going to eat me up.**

**I had a plan for your birthday. A rough idea of one but it was something. Your birthday would have been the first day of your winter break. I was going to come pick you up from school. Or show up there somehow. I would have seen your fancy dorm and kissed you stupid, well stupider. Maybe we would have gone to see the ocean, I think your school was close enough, not that it would have been warm enough. Train tickets are expensive but I was going to figure out how to afford two tickets in one of those sleeper cars. I didn’t know where we were going to go but, yeah, I wanted to take you on the train like you always talked about.**

**I feel pretty fucked up that you’re riding them now.**

**It’s cold Fai, at least in the States. I hope you’re at least somewhere warm and not getting frostbite on your balls.**

**.... I don’t know if I should write this down, but fuck it. We would have made love. How gay is that?**

**Kurogane**

~~~

_ To my failed lover, _

 

_ I miss you. It’s spring now and I’m in Seattle, Washington. I survive mostly on coffee and the hospitality of strangers. I guess I’m lucky, or at least good looking. _

_ You won’t see this so I don’t know why this is so hard to say. _

_ Claire is still with me. She’s become one of the closest friends I’ve ever had. Out here there is no need for secrets. Like the trains keep us from facing reality, isn’t that why I’m here? She’s a huge source of comfort for me. She knows all about you, even that you’re uncircumcised - sorry. As I said, or at least implied, there are very few boundaries here. _

_ Maybe that’s why this line feels so blurry. She kissed me the other night. We’re with a new group now, all young and carefree. It wasn’t sexual, but it was comforting. It’s been so long since I’ve kissed anybody. The last time was when I said goodbye to you. I think about that kiss a lot and wonder if you knew then, if I put enough behind it for you to know that my leaving was not because of you. I hope it said that I loved you. Love you. There’s that line again. _

_ I remember every dip in your chest, the line of your form, the weight of your gaze when we soaked in the afterglow. I know how you pick at your nails when you're frustrated, how you’ll sit and suffer through a math problem without asking for help because it’s a personal challenge, how you never let me down. I studied you. I know you like I know French, fluently. Is this love? Or have I perverted it, held on to these things I know because even though I left I can’t let you go. _

_ I pushed her away. I told her I still loved you, she already seemed to know that. But, the touch of another, the comfort of being held by somebody who I feel close to, I hadn’t realized how much I missed it until she kissed me again - that time I didn’t push her away. I hate myself and I’m sorry. _

_ My heart remembers what it’s like to be held by you, as does my body. I make sure of that as often as possible. So then why? Why can’t I just be satisfied with the memories? _

 

_ I’ve failed you, _

_ A broken man _

~~~

**Fuck you Fai,**

 

**I wish I didn’t think of you literally all the time. I joined the military so I could move on, I thought they would make me into somebody who could forget you. That whole beat you down to build you back up bullshit. Really all they did was make me respond to my last name like a dog.**

**What bullshit.**

**I went to a card game last night. I was invited and didn’t understand why until I got there. I don’t know how they pegged me as gay but they did, maybe because I write these stupid letters when the other guys pass around half naked pictures of their girlfriends waiting for them back home. I have a reputation as being whipped, but also being the most loyal man. Fuck, if only they knew.**

**There were six of us all together, it was the most gays I have ever been around. I felt, I don’t know, exposed? Uncomfortable? I’m a fucking man, but damn did I feel like a boy. Like the first time I realized I had a crush on you and I had a fucking identity crisis. You were my first there, too. My first everything, is it too late to ask for some of those things back?**

**We just played cards but the guy next to me - fuck. He was hot. It’s beyond weird to write that. I never thought about it but we never - I never let on how gay I am. I had you and that was enough, I didn’t need to point out guys I thought were attractive. I never gave it much thought, besides you liked to tease me about a few select men anyway. Not that you were ever wrong.**

**He was flirting with me, I think. Well actually I know. It was all that shit we use to like watching on TV that would happen with the straight couples. Knees touching, shoulder tapping, he laughed at me like I was funny. I’m only really funny to you, I don’t even know any jokes.**

**I went to the bathroom. I went to pee but I guess bathroom is gay code here because after I zipped up he was there.**

**You’re the only one I can talk to this shit about, even if you’re not really here and you’ll never read this.**

**I knew what he wanted and it kills me because I wanted it too Fai. I’m a man for fucks sake. I’m frustrated even writing this, defending myself to a man that left me. He wanted me and I was flattered, okay? Part of me has been feeling like maybe nobody else would want me, who could ever know me like you did?**

**We went into a stall, well I went into a stall and waited. The five seconds it took for him to join me felt like I was being gutted. It felt off being with him. His mouth wasn’t like yours and he didn’t smell like you. His body was as hard as a rock, but he wanted me and I think I wanted anybody.**

**He tried to jerk me off but I kept going soft. Eventually he gave up and left me there like I wasted his time. I got mad and punched the stall, still have the bruises on my knuckles. So I finished myself off and I could only finish thinking of your stupid fucking face, that one time when we drove out to Hayman’s field and drank that whole bottle of wine you found in your basement. I tried not to think about you, like I going to prove a point to you, or something.**

**Sometimes I think it would be easier to hate you. But my life is too tangled up in yours. Even now that we might as well be a million miles apart.**

 

**It’s been fourteen months - why can’t you just fuck off?**

**Kurogane**

~~~

_ To the man who still holds my heart, _

 

_ I don’t know what I’m looking for anymore. I thought I was looking for myself but the longer I’m away the more I realize I left myself with you. That isn’t to say I haven’t gained so many other things. I know what I want to do now. I want to help people. There are so many older people that ride the trains with me because they simply have nobody waiting for them and no other choice. I want to change that. I want to be a humanitarian. I don’t know the best way to do this yet but I’ll think on it and get back to you. _

_ I’ve done and seen so many things though. They fill me with a sense of self, but everything is only a half experience without you here. I have a list of places I want to tell you about in greater detail; LA, the redwoods, Yellowstone, Louisiana. So many more. But more than anything I want to tell you about the little moments. Like the first time I passed through the desert and I could see parts of the sky that I’ve never seen before, the world is huge. _

_ If you forgive me maybe we can experience some of these things together. It will be like the first time all over again. _

_ I regret leaving you, but I don’t regret this journey even if I don’t know why I’m still on it. _

_ Congrats, by the way. You should be getting ready to start your second year of college. I wonder if you actually started to become an EMT or if you did something else. It would have been so like you to make a decision in a fit of rage. _

_ I think I’ll come home soon, will you wait for me? _

 

_ Please do, _

_ Fai _

~~~

**I saw a man die today. We were in town doing some humanitarian work when a car a hundred yards from me exploded. They train you for this, but you’re never really prepared.**

**Enemy soldiers came out of the surrounding buildings, we began to fire while my superior alerted command.**

**I don’t remember most of it. I don’t know if I killed anybody, but I consider myself a murderer. Even if it was me or them. I chose me. I chose you.**

**The whole time I thought of you. The whole time I was mad that I could die and never get to yell at you for what you did. You don’t get off that easily.**

**I was taking cover behind a car bumper, next to me was one of my brothers. He turned out to shoot, but the enemy had him in his sights. He went down like nothing. Blood all over the dirt. I started first aid but I didn’t do shit. I was applying pressure to the wound and he just grabbed my hand. I was yelling at him not to give up but maybe I was yelling at myself. The bullet went through the side of his neck.**

**I didn’t know him well. Kind of a quiet guy. I think he had a wife.**

**I’ve been lucky not to have seen action until today. Now I don’t feel anything.**

**From the buzz around camp apparently things are getting worse in the area we’re stationed at. I expect more days like today, but I hope not.**

**I think one time I wrote to you that I was imagining what it would be like if you were here with me. I’ll never do that again. You broke me, but at least you’re safe.**

 

**Yours,**

**Kurogane**

~~~

**Fai,**

 

**I think I understand now. It’s nearly two years later but I think I finally get why you left.**

**I was on patrol today outside of our base. I’d just started. The landscape here isn’t much to look at so when I saw a flower growing in the middle of all the dirt I couldn’t stop staring at it. It was tiny and looked like it should have been knocked over by the wind. It had blue petals that reminded me of you, but that doesn’t say much. I’ve been thinking about why you left a lot lately. It’s been nearly two years, so maybe that’s why. So, this flower got me thinking.**

**There was no reason for the flower to be there. In all seriousness the heat should have killed the seed and turned it to dust. But it was stubborn and grew against the odds. I felt bad for it. I knew it was going to die if it stayed out there but it was trying anyway. Everything told the seed to be dirt, but it wanted to be a flower. Not for me to look at, or anyone else for that matter but because it just didn’t want to be part of the dirt.**

**I don’t know if I’m getting my point across. Anyway, I picked the flower and I’m putting it in this envelope. The analogy is imperfect but at least the flower won’t turn to dust.**

 

**Kurogane**

~~~

**Idiot,**

 

**I had a dream last night. I don’t remember it but I saw your face. I think you were scared for me but I don’t know why.**

**This seems like a stupid thing to waste a piece of paper telling you but I couldn’t get it out of my head. It’s the clearest I’ve ever seen your face in my dreams in months.**

**I feel like I need to put something else here to justify wasting the paper. We’re going back into town today to investigate reports of enemy activity. My superiors say it’s a wild goose chase. I fucking hope so. I can’t watch another fellow soldier die.**

**Would you have ever seen me as a soldier. How would you feel about that title? I use to think I knew but it’s been so long. I can’t really say I know anything about you anymore.**

 

**Kurogane**

~~~

**Fai,**

 

**Wild goose chase my ass. I’m writing you from medical. I didn’t get blown up but I did get my shoulder fucking destroyed by an enemy bullet. At least it was me and not Smith, he just had a kid back home. God, you’re going to be mad at me when you find out.**

**I think this will be my last letter. From the sound of it, I’m getting discharged, with honors.**

**I gave them my shoulder and they give me a medal.**

**It’s dumb but I guess I can’t even fall back on baseball now.**

 

**Homebound,**

**Kurogane**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expanding their life experiences through letters to each other was something I came up with on the fly. Honestly, right up until the moment I started writing this chapter Kurogane was going to go to school and play baseball. What can I say? I'm a sucker for tragedy.


	5. Prisim

Being home feels like trying to fit into a shirt he’s grown out of and yet it’s almost as if he has never left. The ache in his shoulder is the only true indicator that he has been to war. He’s been home for almost six weeks, most of which have been spent in physical therapy or at home. At home because he can’t remember what he use to do. Spent a lot of time with Fai. That’s for sure.

His father has kicked him out of the house today. Kurogane suspects his dad has a girlfriend he’s trying to hide. He’s an adult now and his mother has been dead for nine years, it wouldn’t hurt his feelings if that was the case.

Forced out of the house he does the only thing he can think of, he walks the tracks. He has to stay out until ten, that’s what his dad told him. As he walks, it dawns on him that he left his baseball bat in the lookout at the train yard. He doubts the tower is still intact, no doubt some other kids have taken it over and are using it as their own home away from home. Maybe he’s wrong though.

The sun is setting as he walks into the train yard. Nostalgia floods his senses and he has to stop just to take it in. This is truly where he grew up. He takes a calming breath and looks towards the tower. He frowns. There’s a light on in the lookout and while he had been prepared to find the place dismantled and unlike it was before, he is suddenly filled with rage that somebody would have the audacity to be there. 

He climbs the stairs with heavy foot steps, he wants whoever is in  _ his  _ space to know he’s coming for them. He shoulders the door open with an unhealthy amount of force and there’s a startled yelp. Kurogane breathes hard and there’s a moment where reality doesn’t seem quite real because standing there, in the middle of the room, is Fai. As beautiful as ever and Kurogane wants to hit something.

Without another thought he turns on his heel and hurries down the stairs. He’s thought a lot about what he would do if he ever saw Fai again and most of his scenarios involved a lot of yelling. Well, all of them actually.

“Kurogane!” Fai is chasing him, calling him. He can’t even recall how many time he wanted to hear his name on Fai’s lips just one last time. It rips through him like a chainsaw. “Kuro! Please! Wait - I - I can’t move as fast as you!”

This catches Kurogane’s attention and he turns around. Before he had only seen Fai’s face, lit up by the fucking Christmas lights of all things. Now he sees his whole body, he’s leaner and his face is a little less full but what sucks the air from his lungs is the prosthetic on Fai’s left leg. His mouth hangs open, Kurogane know’s he’s staring but he can’t help it. Every ounce of rage, sadness, and betrayal that he had just felt falls away into concern.

Fai’s heart hammers in his chest. He can’t take another step and it feels like he’s failing at closing the gap all over again. Kurogane’s face when he sees Fai’s missing part of his leg makes his lip tremble. “Stop staring at it.” Kurogane’s eyes flick up to him in a gaze hard enough to hide his vulnerability. “I -” he tries to explain then stops. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“Your leg,” Kurogane’s voice breaks. He feels physically sick. It pains him to see Fai like this and know there is truly nothing he could have done.

Fai’s face twist in concern of his own. “Kuro, it’s already done. I’m still here.”

“What happened?”

Fai glances behind himself to the lookout. “Could we sit?” He looks pointedly back at Kurogane. He nods stiffly and they both walk across the gravel to the stairs. Awkward doesn’t even begin to explain the atmosphere between them. Fai enters first and takes a seat on a folding lawn chair, Kurogane sits on the armrest of the loveseat his hands crossed over his chest.

“So,” Fai draws out the word hoping in the time it takes for him to get it out he’ll come up with something profound to say that will fix everything. “How’s school? I didn’t think you’d be home until winter.”

Kurogane grunts. “Didn’t go. Joined the army. What the fuck happened to your leg?”

Fai’s heart sinks, “You joined the army? You - Kurogane, you promised you wouldn’t.”

For the first time Kurogane makes eye contact with him. “We promised a lot of things.”

He laughs with no humor. “I guess we did.”

“Your leg,” Kurogane prompts.

Fai snorts, “Straight to the point. You never change. I was coming back from the west coast. I had it in my head that it was going to be my last ride, that once I reached home I was going to get off and not get back on. There was a train pulling out of a yard in Texas. I got on okay, then the train jerked, my foot slipped and I caught myself on the knuckle, the part where the cars connect to one another. The knuckle compresses and decompresses as the train moves. It compressed with my foot in it. The train jerked and I lost my grip. I fell off, my shin still in the knuckle.” Fai closes his eyes remembering it. “I was lucky, we were still close enough to the yard that somebody saw me fall off and called emergency.”

He looks up, Kurogane is picking his nails and shaking his head. He looks torn. “You’re turn. What happened to school?”

Kurogane chews at his cuticle and sucks away the burn. “I don’t know. I wanted to hurt you.” When he looks to Fai he won’t meet his eyes. His shoulders are hunched over making him look small. “My shoulder’s fucked up now. Bullet through the joint.”

Fai tries for a joke, “At least you didn’t get blown up.” When Kurogane doesn’t laugh, Fai back pedals “Sorry. I’m not sure what to say.”

“How about sorry?” Kurogane feels the rage in his voice simmering just under the surface. “I enlisted to forget about you and it didn’t do shit. How about you start by apologizing, Fai?”

Fai wipes at his eyes. “I - I’m sorry. I really am.” He stands and crosses the short distance between him and Kurogane. “Look at me. Please.” Kurogane does, a scowl on his face that could cut diamonds. “I thought about you every day. I wrote to you every day.” He goes to the corner and grabs his backpack, canvas and worn. He tosses it and it lands heavily in Kurogane’s lap. “Those are yours.”

Kurogane unzips the bag and reaches inside. He pulls out a thin spiral notebook. Then another. There are five total in varying sizes. He opens one at random catching only a glimpse of Fai’s slanted writing,  _ Dear Kurogane, Today it snowed and I thought of the night we first said we loved each other - _

“You don’t have to read them or anything.” 

Fai’s face looks so unsure. Something Kurogane thinks he could never get use to seeing. These notebooks feel precious to him, like a personal offering that actual shows Fai cares. He sets them back in the bag and zips it closed.

Kurogane clears his throat. “Me too. I, uh, I wrote you letters.”

Fai’s face lights up with the first smile Kurogane has seen on it today. “Really?”

He can feel himself blush. “Yeah. But, not every day. They probably aren’t as pretty either.”

“I don’t care. What did you say in them?”

His face is on fire. “You can just read them. They’re at my dad’s house.”

Kurogane is reminded of when they were children, Fai looks that excited. “Let’s - let’s go get them!”

“Can’t, my dad says I can’t go home until after ten.”

“Why?”

Kurogane shrugs and adjusts himself so he’s sitting on the couch cushion. “He has a girlfriend.”

Fai laughs, “Can you imagine Sachihiro with a girlfriend?” 

He sits next to Kurogane on the couch with a respectable distance between them. The tension seems to have melted away. “Tell me about the army. Where were you stationed?”

“Tch. Afghanistan. There’s not much to talk about.”

Fai frowns, “You don’t want to talk about it.”

“Not really.”

“That’s okay.’

Kurogane licks his lips, “How long have you been back?”

“I had my accident in March, I think. My mom came and got me. We came back at the beginning of April.”

“Why didn’t you find me?”

“I wanted to but I was afraid. I also hadn’t started physical therapy. I couldn’t walk. I - I didn’t want you to see me like that.” Fai swallows. “Not that I would have found you.”

“What about after? Why didn’t you find me after you could walk?”

Fai looks away. He sighs. “I thought you’d be in school. I didn’t want to distract you. I was going to come find you on winter break.” He groans into his hands. “I should have known something was off when I didn’t see you on the school’s athletics page.”

It’s not tense anymore but still awkward. Kurogane feels like he needs to be doing something. “Wanna beer?”

“God, yes.”

They walk into town to the first liquor store they find. “How are we doing this? We’re not twenty one yet.”

Kurogane rolls his eyes, “Just wait here.” He emerges a few minutes later with a six pack. “They don’t card veterans here.”

Fai smiles and picks himself up off the concrete. By the time they get back to the yard they’ve each finished one beer. 

They don’t go in right away, for a moment they both just stare up at  the watch tower. Kurogane cracks open another beer and takes a large swig. “Why?”

Fai’s mouth is around the lip of his bottle, he almost chokes. “I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Do you regret it?”

“No, not really. There are things I would've done differently.” Fai swallows. “If I could do it all over again I would never have left you here.” He finishes his beer. “What would you have done differently?”

“I would have actually listened to what you were saying and tried to understand you.”

Fai hums. “Well,” he check his phone. “We have some time to kill.”

They walk back into the lookout and for a while it feel like nothing has changed. They listen to the radio and discuss what songs are being overplayed. Fai embarasses him over and over again by mentioning little things that Kurogane has long since forgotten. They are careful not to mention anything too heavy, not to let too much of their heartache show through.

It’s well past ten when they finally notice the time. Fai is singing a terrible rendition of Queen’s rock anthem and Kurogane is nursing the last of his beer and trying not to give away how entertained he is. Fai’s still gorgeous, it pulls his breath short. Even with his prosthetic, Fai’s movements are fluid and mesmerising. He almost says so, his tongue loosened by alcohol.

Fai catches him staring and grins. “Should we go grab my letters?”

Kurogane snorts and sets the empty bottle down. “Your letters? I never agreed to give them to you.”

Fai gasps dramatically, “Kuro- _ rude,  _ they’re addressed to me, aren’t they?”

“No comment.”

“Ugh!” Fai flops on the couch, his head falling into Kurogane’s lap. “You’re so difficult. You’re  _ always  _ so difficult.”

“Says the guy who I practically had to force to sleep before his AP exams every year.”

“Mmm,” Fai closes his eyes and smiles, tight lipped and comical up at Kurogane. “Fond memories.”

His hand falls to Fai’s hair, his fingernails scratch his scalp. It should feel like the first time all over again but it’s so familiar. Fai turns into his touch, smile falling into an expression of wonderment. It’s too much, too fast. He’ll fall for him all over again if he lets it continue, but he’d never stopped falling. Not really.

Kurogane gets up, Fai falling to the floor as he’s forced off Kurogane’s lap. He runs a hand through his hair,  _ fuck fuck fuck fuck.  _ He needs air, he needs Fai, he needs to get his shit together. When he turns around Fai is helping himself up on the side of the couch.

“Shit,” Kurogane goes to help him up, not having remembered Fai’s leg when he threw him off his lap.

Fai waves him off, “I got it.” He sits back on the couch, hands clutching the cushions.

“Let’s go get your letters,” Kurogane is walking out of the room, backpack slung over his shoulder, before Fai can even stand. 

Fai wants to scream and ask if what just happened was wrong. If he did something wrong, again. “What was that?” He asks when he’s finally just a few feet behind Kurogane.

“Sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. I - it was fine. I wanted that.”

Kurogane turns to look at him. His face is tight and hurt. “You think I didn’t?” They stare at each other a moment. “Two years. You can’t just take it back, Fai. I can’t just forget.”

The rest of the walk to Kurogane’s house is silent. The relaxed air from before is gone and replaced with something closer to sadness. Kurogane lets them in. “You know where the kitchen is.”

Fai walk through the house, amazed it hasn’t changed. He fills a glass with water and chugs. He sees his reflection in the window, he’s breathing heavy for no reason. He fills another glass and drinks. He feels the room shift when Kurogane enters. He’s changed into an undershirt and Fai’s eyes go wide when he sees the scar covering Kurogane’s left shoulder. 

Kurogane rounds the counter and sets a stack of envelopes, all bound by cord, on the counter next to Fai. He frowns when he looks at Fai’s face. “Oh, don’t do that.” Something in Fai’s eyes click, like he hadn’t even been aware that he is crying. Tears falling slowly from his lashes. Kurogane raises a hand to his face and wipes them away.

Fai sniffles. “It’s my fault.” He puts his hand to Kurogane’s shoulder.

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“It might as well be my fault.” He traces the lines of the scar, his throat tight. “If I hadn’t left-”

“Stop it. I made the decision to enlist. I chose to push Smith out of the line of fire. You weren’t there for that.”

“But if I  _ had  _ been here -”

“Fai.” Kurogane’s tone shuts him up. “You are responsible for enough things. Don’t add this to the list. I’m an adult and this isn’t your fault.”

Fai bites his lip to stop it from shaking and then he’s being pulled into Kurogane’s chest. It’s so warm and comfortable, he wants to melt into the embrace. Then he understands why Kurogane pushed him away earlier. It’s so easy to pretend like things haven’t changed. It feel like they are two stupid kids in high school with how easily they fit together. It’s terrifying that it isn’t harder. It needs to be a little harder if they are ever going to truly heal. He steps back. “I should go.”

Kurogane’s arms drop to his sides. “Yeah, okay. Are you okay to go home by yourself?”

“I’m an amputee, not a child.” Fai laughs. He looks to the stack of letters. He knows every word he’s written in his journals. Every apology, every story, every dream, every fantasy. He wonders now if he’ll find the same honesty in Kurogane’s letter. There’s really no doubt in his mind that he will. “Will you really read the journals?”

“Promise.” Kurogane ruffles his hair and Fai smirks as he shakes it out.

“And then we’ll talk. For real.”

“Of course, idiot. I’ll walk you out.”

He’s walking down the driveway when he turns and sees Kurogane is watching him go. The porch light blinds him and he suddenly remembers something from after his accident. “Hey! Do you remember when we were kids and I asked you if you thought there was a light when you died?”

Kurogane adjusts his position. “Yeah.”

“When I was dying,” Fai swallows at the memory. “Next to the tracks, I mean. I saw one. But in the light I -” his voice wavers. “I saw you.” Kurogane doesn’t say anything but he turns away from Fai, his palm wiping at his eye. “We’re never going to be rid of each other. Are we?”

Kurogane’s voice is rough, “Hell no. We’re a fucking kaleidoscope you moron. All the same pieces -”

“Just brought back together in a different way.” Fai smiles and wipes at his eyes. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“You bet your ass you will.”

Fai walks down the street and stops under the first street lamp. He opens the first letter in the stack and reads about everything he’s missed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed the journey!!  
> It was really nostalgic for me to participate in this competition. This fandom is where I started writing fanfiction and, trust me, my start was terrible.
> 
> As I said at the beginning of this fic, it has been written for a competition. Please score and review [HERE](http://kurofai.dreamwidth.org/93907.html). Be sure to check out the other fics in the community that have also been created for this competition.
> 
> The scoring rubric is as follows:  
> 1\. How in-character was this fic? (1-10)  
> 2\. How well did this fic handle the prompt? (1-10)  
> 3\. How much did you enjoy this fic overall? (1-10)
> 
> If it's your first time scoring and you have questions please check out the guidelines [HERE](http://kurofai.dreamwidth.org/90578.html#cutid1).
> 
> As an added bonus I like to make playlist for my fics so [HERE](https://play.spotify.com/user/cunttwatula/playlist/4g7tv12pzFFVV6LBLkIh1B) is the playlist I made for this one. It's pretty choice.
> 
> Again, thank you for reading!  
> Kudos are appreciated but comments are better!! <3<3<3<3<3


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